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"Not so fan-dabi-dozi! Eighties children's entertainers The Krankies admit to being secret swingers"

"For those of you who still think they're a double act consisting of a cheeky schoolboy and his sinister older friend, this will be hard to take.

Brace yourself – the Krankies have admitted in a radio interview that they were secret swingers and have a seedy sexual past.

'Wee Jimmy' and Ian Krankie were idolised by children in the 1980s, and are fondly remembered for their comedy catchphrase 'fan-dabi-dozi'

But the pair – who are in real life husband-and-wife team Janette and Ian Tough – have revealed that while they entertained the nation's kids by day, outside working hours they both openly had a string of affairs and enjoyed alfresco romance." -- Daily Mail website

Even as a child I found something disturbing about The Krankies. But did we really need to know this?

Rant over.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

I can’t believe how quickly time has elapsed since I reviewed the first one of these films… and to be honest I might as well “cut and paste” the same review because Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows pretty much covers the same ground as its predecessor. The cast put in a reasonable performance (although I still don’t think this is the correct way to portray Holmes), the action is fast paced and there is more of the Holmes predictive fight scenes where he works out in advance what is going to happen and how his opponent will respond. The film of course concludes with the prospect of a second sequel… nothing new there then.

So there you have it… worth a look and reasonably entertaining (but you will have forgotten the plot within minutes of leaving the cinema).

Rating: 7/10

Off The Cuff Rant No.8

I tell you what grates on me. TEABAGS... specifically Yorkshire Teabags. They come in 2's joined together. But whenever you put your hand in the box or the caddy or whatever you call it - you never, I repeat NEVER... manage to pull out a single one that you had previously detached from a prior cuppa. Instead you have to go through the process again of separating them, invariably one handed because there is something standing on top of the box and then everything topples out of the cupboard or the teabag tears and ultimately you wish you hadn't bothered and remained thirsty.

Rant over.

The Expendables 2

I really hope this is better than the first one!

Going to see Sherlock Holmes 2 on Sunday (or whatever it is called) so will write a review as soon as I can.

Bloke from Il Divo

Smarmy looking git!

Rant over.


I don't know how Angelina Jolie manages to keep getting plum roles in big budget films... because let's face it... she ain't much cop in most of them. Which conveniently leads me on to Salt.

When I originally saw the trailer to this film it looked fairly intriguing. Is she or isn't she a double agent?... is the crux of the plot. Well all I can say is that she suddenly becomes a one woman killing machine and dispatches her way through hordes of agents, police or dodgy Russians.

To be honest the action is fast paced and I really really wanted to like this film... but it is in fact B*LL*CKS!!!

Rating: 6/10

Odious Frog Midget

Now don't get me wrong I firmly believe the future of Europe hangs in the balance with the current economic problems... but after this latest EU summit it seems pretty clear the French and the Germans want to fashion a Eurozone with them at the centre of it dictating what can and cannot be done to the other 15 EZ member states. All seems very dodgy to me. Although probably necessary in the short-term... the longterm prospects seem more than a trifle sinister!

Mind you what is definitely certain is that old "Napoleon" above hates us (the British) with a passion. What a truly vile little b*st*rd he is!!

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.7

So American Airlines files for bankruptcy protection... but that doesn't stop them from putting on a series of lavish TV adverts featuring Kevin Spacey. I bet their employees feel reassured. Not.

Rant over.

5 years old today!

Just to let you all know... The Hammond Rants celebrates it's 5th birthday... today. Here's to the next 5 years!!!

Rant over.

More from Standard & Poor

You would think someone at this outfit wants to deliberately f*ck things up with the global economy. The Krauts and the Frogs come to a vital agreement and within hours S&P indicate, without warning, that they may downgrade the credit rating of all the countries in the Eurozone. Brilliant bit of timing... or more likely a deliberate bit of timing.

Rant over.

Blue Bloods

I don't really know why I watch this TV cop series about three generations of NYPD officers as it is pretty nauseating. Tom Selleck is the New York police commissioner with a conscious and always does the right thing (obnoxiously). His father also held the post of police commissioner (and is equally sanctimonius). One son is a hardnosed detective who miraculously always seems to be investigating a serious crime that grips the city (although he is only of lowly rank)... his other son (also incredibly) is quite often on the scene of the same crime and his daughter is a prosecuter and will be taking to court the same perp that her brother has been investigating... basically it is - "keep it in the family" - every episode.

Having said all that... it is fairly watchable.

Rating: 6.5/10

For the chop?

Pompous, arrogant and deliberately trying to be controversial in an unfunny way... why can't Clarkson be executed instead?

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.6

Why is it... whenever you have a set of cheapo cutlery lurking in the kitchen with plastic handles - you can guarantee that one of the forks will come apart! EVERY BLOODY TIME!!!

Rant over.

Give us more money for f*cking it up!

Daybreak duo Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley are reported to have told ITV bosses they wanted a full payout to cover the length of their contract if they left the troubled breakfast show early.
But The Mirror reports that the channel has called their bluff by threatening a two-year "career blackout" in which Adrian wouldn't get to present the football and Christine would not get to replace Holly Willoughby on Dancing On Ice.

The duo's management are claimed to have been in negotiations with ITV bosses since their exit from Daybreak was revealed last weekend.

A source was quoted as saying: "There have been some heated behind-the-scenes discussions. If their agent thought he could hold the channel to ransom then he's found that ITV actually holds the trump card. It has been quite fraught." -- AOL website

This pair fall into the same bracket as bosses of large failing companies or banks... ie. f*ck it up and expect a massive payout to leave. WELL YOU UGLY B*STARD CHILES and your talentless "girlfriend". You know where you can go...

Rant over.

Tall foreheads…

I must admit I thoroughly enjoy watching the TV drama series The Good Wife. But one thing I find totally distracting about it - is the actress Elizabeth Reaser (pictured)… it is not just the fact that her character is utterly annoying… it is the fact that her forehead is soooo bloody tall. Every scene she is in I keep staring at her forehead. It is so vertical that it makes you think your telly is on the blink!

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.5

I see that obnoxious greasy slimeball "Sir" Philip (services to his own pocket) Green has announced he may close 250 of his stores because profits have fallen by 40% this year.

I would be most aggrieved if I worked for the greedy f*ck as he is infamous for pocketing massive chunks of Arcadia's profits... and of course he also pays bugger all in taxes.

Why not pay some of those profits back into your business - Toad Face - and keep people employed?

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.4

I usually catch the end of Pointless when I get back from work... and apart from the fact that hardly anyone ever wins and even if they do the prize money is pathetic - I can't help thinking that the "100" people they question are exceptionally intelligent, in fact abnormally so... clearly not from Essex then!

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.3

Just been watching the new TV series Pan Am and can't help wondering how air travel has detoriated ever since. Imagine if they did a spin-off and called it... Ryan Air.

Rant over.

It reminded me...

All that business about the Home Secretary not knowing about border checks being relaxed and the subsequent suspension/sacking of the UK Border Force boss made me think of a scene from the incredibly funny, classic film Airplane.

I don't know if you can remember it... but I'm thinking of the sequence where you see a procession of rather obvious looking terrorists walking through the airport security scanner carrying all manner of bulky and noticeable weapons like rocket launchers and bazookas and not getting stopped.

If you listened to the reports it gave you the impression that exactly the same thing was happening in the UK... but for real!

What a load of rubbish!!

Rant over.

Yeah right Freddie...

I haven't watched any of this years Celebrity Get Me Out of Here... but I did read this morning that Freddie Starr has retired from the show after a couple of days due to ill health - although the programme's doctors couldn't find anything physically wrong with him.

It reminds me a bit of his sh*t performance on that other series Dancing On Ice where he went out immediately due to not bothering to practice.

Seems to me... Freddie... that you make a habit of bailing out very quickly from these programmes after no doubt collecting a big fat cheque - for doing sweet FA!

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.2

Don't you just love it when people you don't know drop into conversation that they drive a BMW or they own an iPad (or both). Obviously doing it to impress... but in reality making themselves look a complete and utter TIT.

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.1

Is it the intention of every f*cker out of McFly to appear on a reality TV series? Because it sure seems like it. One of them is in Strictly and now I see there is another one in Celebrity. What next? X Factor?

Rant over.

Living on another planet... Tamara Ecclestone

I accidentally ended up watching a programme last week about Tamara Ecclestone... daughter of the vile and repugnant, moneygrabbing midget Bernie Ecclestone. F*ck me... what an utter waste of space.

The show followed Tamara around as she went about her daily business - which basically consisted of shopping, getting her hair done, beauty pampering and more shopping.

There was a scene where she had to pitch her new range of hair care products to the shopping channel QVC... and failed abysmally, even though she had two expert "assistants" with her. I loved the bit where she mentioned that she wanted to call her range of products Formula One... but her disgusting dwarf daddy had told her in no uncertain terms she was not doing that... because he owns Formula One and sells the use of the name to other companies for millions and wasn't about to give it to her for free. Nice chap!

Other scenes included her getting her dogs pampered at Harrods... her ugly looking bulldog (is there any other kind?) received a pedicure... unbelievable.

But the one thing that really does astonish me is how come that ugly f*ck is her father? Doesn't make sense. I reckon another bloke got there first...

Rant over.

Waste of bloody time... more X Factor ranting

Yesterday we headed off to into London to see the results show of The X Factor... and what a waste of bloody time that turned out to be! We rendezvoused at MO's house and he drove the three of us to Wembley right by the stadium where we intended to join the queue outside the studio.

A female member of staff was greeting people at the end of the line and promptly informed us that there were 300 people in front of us and that whilst we were welcome to take our chances it was highly unlikely we would get in. She also told us that some saddoes had started queuing at 6am that morning. We mulled it over for a few moments before deciding - sod it - lets go back to MO's and watch it on the telly.

I don't like Simon Cowell. I like him even less now. Ar*ehole!

Rant over.

Eating satsumas

Many years ago I had a disgusting habit of eating a whole satsuma in one go... minus the peel of course. But that isn't part of the rant - I thought I would just share that historical fact with you. What I was going to say and what really really gets my goat... is when you bite into an extra juicy couple of segments you find it is riddled with about 50,000,000 seeds and you spend the next 10 minutes continuously spitting out the dratted things!

Rant over.

72 days... as long as that?

You certainly can't help thinking that this so called marriage was a total sham. Another episode in the pointless but highly profitable lives of the Krappy Kardashians. It is simply amazing that the public lap this stuff up. I suspect the whole affair will appear soon in their sh*te TV show.

Rant over.


I had seen this strange acronym bandied about and never really knew what it was referring to. At the same time I was vaguely aware of a TV programme called The Only Way Is Essex. It took a bit of time for the penny to drop for me to realise they were one and the same thing.

A couple of weeks back I decided to record an episode and give it a try. Initially I thought it was a spoof documentary but then after a while I realised it was for real... I truly despair. You could have made a better show starring a collection of lobotomised chimps. There is not one brain cell amongst the lot of them. They are the epitome of the word RETARDS.

Rant over.

Garrison Keillor - the most annoying voice on TV

I have owned a Honda... a Civic Type R... a truly superb car - even if it did wear its way through tyres like there was no tomorrow. But as for the Honda TV adverts - AAAARRRRGHHHH!!! Jeezus H Christ... that bloke who does the voiceover. He has what must be the most irritating voice known to man. IT DRIVES ME INSANE!!! Utterly vile. Almost as bad as that incredibly overpaid b*stard who does the voiceover to The X Factor. Utterly detestable. Hate it.

Rant over.

Chinks don't give a sh*t

It made me laugh today reading a couple of articles about the Chinese economy. Firstly the markets went into panic mode momentarily because China's growth for the last month dropped from 9.5% to 9.1%... oooohhh! Still mega amounts more than anywhere else... and the second much more hysterical one was Bank of England supremo, Mervyn King making a statement that the Chinese must listen to the UK and import a lot more goods to balance the books. Can you honestly see the Chinks giving a monkey's fart about what the UK or any other country wants? They couldn't give a sh*t.

China is a powerhouse. It produces virtually everything the consumers of the world require... very cheaply. Because there are hardly any rules or regulations and they pay their workers f*ck all... for now!

Rant over.


Neil Marshall, who I believe directed Dog Soldiers, The Descent and Doomsday seems to be fascinated with the same common theme. That is each film features a group of people who are on the run in a dangerous environment and as each film progresses each character gets picked off and meets a horrible death until there is just the remaining central hero (or heroine) left.

Centurion is exactly the same. A group of Roman soldiers are caught behind enemy lines (an army of vicious Pict barbarians in this case) and the survivors have to fight their way back to freedom. I must admit I did doze half way through the film (well it was late on a Friday evening) but I don't think I missed anything of note. In fact because of knowing Marshall follows the same pattern I found myself simply waiting for the inevitable grisly death of each character.

Having said that the action is impressive and it looks bloody cold where ever they shot the film. There are some particularly nasty decapitations or severing of limbs throughout but ultimately the film is unsatisfying. It is mildly entertaining but it is really a case of "Could do better".

Rating: 6/10

Tesco's "Price Drop" con

It didn't in the least bit surprise me to read that Tesco has been caught out misleading it's customers by marking up items by a considerable amount for a short time... then lowering them again (but not down to the previous levels) and calling it a "price drop". Cynical is what it is... lets hoodwink the public and rip them off! Ar*seh*les.

Rant over.

"Owl curry, adder with butter and stir-fried craneflies! Meet the man who has survived on a diet of ROADKILL for 30 years"

"Rat stir fries and owl curries hardly sound like the stuff you would serve your friends for dinner. But surprisingly, Jonathan McGowan's exotic roadkill dishes are a big hit with his guests. The 44-year-old bachelor has lived on a diet of roadkill for the past 30 years to avoid buying meat from the supermarket. He has shunned pre-packaged meats and instead dined on mice, moles, hedgehogs, pigeons, crows and gulls.

The taxidermist from Bournemouth, Dorset, never kills the animals himself but eats only what he finds at the roadside or in woodland. Mr McGowan first got a taste for roadkill at the age of 14 when he cooked a dead adder that he had found.

He said: 'The adder didn't actually taste very nice - a bit like bacon rind. But it had piqued my curiosity and I wondered what else I could eat and what it would taste like.'

After leaving sixth form college he lived alone and turned to roadkill to save some money on his weekly food bills.

He said: 'From a young age I was always interested in natural history and being brought up amongst the farming, hunting and shooting communities of the Dorset countryside meant I was right in the middle of everything.

'Everywhere I looked there were dead animals; fish that had been caught, pheasants that had been shot and animals that had been run over in the road so naturally I became drawn to nature and how it worked.

'I used to cut up dead animals to see their insides and when I did all I could see was fresh, organic meat, better than the kind I had seen in the supermarkets. So I never saw a problem with cooking and eating it.' " -- Daily Mail website

Anybody who is in to taxidermy is a sick f*ck if you ask me... come on... you have to be complete weirdo to cut up and stuff dead animals! But eating roadkill...! This bloke is one sick mother f*cker!!

Rant over.

Yeti to be proved real 'within months'

Experts at an international conference in Russia have insisted they are extremely close to proving the Abominable Snowman is real. According to Igor Burtsev, head of the International Center Of Hominology, the world is "on the brink of finding the Yeti at long last."

And the proof?

Burtsev claimed at least 30 of the hirsute monsters roam the Kemerovo area, where the conference was held. "We have good evidence of Yeti in our region," said Burtsev. "And now we have convincing details from experts elsewhere in Russia and in the US and Canada." The conference heard the testimony of one John Bindernagel, a 70-year-old Canadian Yeti-hunter, who claimed he has seen the creature for himself.

His sighting took place in Ohio in 2007, when a 6ft-tall "creature" ventured close to a resident's home. "The people in the house have seen it quite often," Bindernagel said. "They made some films that will be screened later this year." "We now know a lot of anatomical details from people's accounts," Bindernagel added. "The [Yeti's] neck is very short and very thick, the eyes deeply set, the chin is rounded, the ears are usually covered with hair, the arms are long. The foot looks human-like but is broader. Some people say they can distinguish the males from the more slender females."

More "evidence" came from 47-year-old Liliya Zenkova, a local government official, who told how, during a camping trip with her husband and friend in a remote area in Siberia, she fell asleep on her car's back seat, with the windows open.

"At 5am I felt my right hand being caressed," she revealed. "I knew it couldn't be my husband; it was so gentle with such soft hair. I looked outside and saw this creature moving slowly away. Almost two metres tall, grey hair. His head looked like it was sunk into his shoulders. I knew he wasn't human, he had on no clothes." -- MSN website

Sounds convincing to me!... I look forward to seeing the international press conference when the YETI is finally revealed!!


Let Me In

I haven't seen the original Scandinavian film Let The Right One In... but I can certainly vouch that the Hammer remake is bloody good - with emphasis on the bloody! It stars the incredible Chloe Moretz (who played Hit Girl in Kick Ass) and this time she portrays the part of a 12 year old girl who is actually a very old vampire. She befriends a rather weedy 12 year old boy who is being bullied at school (actually the boy is too pathetic to be honest) and the two of them form a deep bond. Meanwhile Moretz's "father" who like the boy formed an emotional attachment to his vampire mistress years earlier has to explore the local area for fresh blood.

The film is full of quiet moments but what stood out for me was the acting from the two young leads. Moretz is clearly the best child actress around and she is supremely talented. The film packs an emotional punch and does conclude in a predictable but satisfactory manner. I would definitely recommend Let Me In.

Rating: 8.5/10

Steve Jobs... Saviour of The Universe

Or so you would be led to believe reading all the news reports about candlelit vigils and glowing tributes from celebrities and politicians. Now don't get me wrong it is a tragedy that Steve Jobs has died at the age of 56 and it is true he was a marketing genius and the charismatic boss of Apple but he was not some kind of godlike figure that many of his followers would have you believe. He was no Edison, Brunel or Mandela. He flogged gadgets at a massive premium that the sheeplike public wanted to be seen with... and that was it... so what!

Rant over.

"Whipps Cross Hospital staff asked to give up annual leave"

"An east London hospital has urged staff to "sacrifice" some of their annual leave or do unpaid work to save money. Whipps Cross told its 3,400 staff that the NHS trust was facing a £4.5m deficit and needed to take "extraordinary financial measures". The offer was "purely voluntary" and would be a "one-off" measure that would not affect their terms and conditions, chief executive Cathy Geddes said.

Consultants are also being asked to do extra clinical sessions." -- BBC News website

What I would like to know is whether the consultants are being asked to "sacrifice" holiday time or pay - or is this just for the likes of the nursing staff etc? Personally if it was me being asked to work for nothing I would tell Whipps Cross "management" TO GO F*CK THEMSELVES!!!

Rant over.

And I thought Tube drivers were overpaid... what about The Simpsons?

"It looks like The Simpsons could fall victim to its owner's costcutting drive.

Fox (itself owned by Rupert Murdoch's Newscorp) has seen the world's longest running TV show go from no hope cartoon to global phenomenon, with more than 100 countries tuning in to see everyone's favourite yellow family every single day -- but according to The Daily Beast, if the lead actors don't accept a 45 per cent pay cut, the plug is going to be pulled on Springfield.

The thing is, each of the lead actors, namely Dan Castellaneta (Homer), Julie Kavner (Marge), Nancy Cartwright (Bart), Yeardley Smith (Lisa) are all currently on $8 million contracts... per season." -- AOL website


Rant over.

"Tube drivers' salaries will soar to £50,000... but they'll still work just 35 hours a week"

"Tube drivers will earn £50,000 salaries despite never working more than 35 hours a week, under a lucrative new pay deal. Some London Underground workers will receive £10,000 pay rises over four years in what unions have called 'the best offer in the public sector'. The militant Rail Maritime and Transport union has won a 5 per cent rise for its members now, with index-linked rises over the following three years. Drivers who already earn around £46,000 salaries will earn £52,300 on average. The LU's latest capitulation to the RMT means many transport workers will enjoy a 20 per cent pay hike by 2015.

Taxpayers funding the generous pay rises are already looking ahead to higher ticket prices while experiencing cuts in their own pay." -- Daily Mail website

So you are telling me that the gormless f*ck in the photo above is now set to earn £50,000 pa to hold down a f*cking handle? Why do we put up with this?? Anybody could be a tube driver... it simply makes no sense. As I've said on more than one previous occasion SACK THE F*CKING LOT OF THEM!!!

Rant over.

I thought the below was funny (taken from Stupid London blog)...

"London Underground's tube trains are among the most advanced modes of transport in the world and are very difficult to control - which is why all tube train drivers are secretly recruited from the ranks of the world's very best jet fighter test pilots. When a test pilot shows exceptional daring and promise - perhaps by flying upside-down through Wookey Hole, or doing a 'cloud skid' with no hands - they receive a secret telegram from London Underground inviting them to study at the mysterious tube train driving academy situated 25 miles below the capital's crust. If they accept, their death will be faked in an air show crash and they'll begin their gruelling nine-year studies. The subterranean students don't even get to sit in a tube train cab until they've spent a full four years examining the aerodynamic properties of earthworms, mole rats and badgers."

Olympic house renting...

I thought that was typical on the news tonight about certain London boroughs blocking people from renting out their homes during next years Olympics. Not that I could give a sh*t about the councils' actions... I just thought it was highly typical that so many landlords want to make a killing out of a captive market. Everything in this country is about making a packet out of anything!

Rant over.

"'BAE has behaved in a terrible way': Former home secretary Alan Johnson AND Tory MP David Davis condemn treatment of 3,000 staff who lost their jobs"

This news is utterly depressing... 3,000 skilled jobs in a high tech manufacturing industry are casually tossed away and "Ian King, chief executive of BAE Systems, said the company needed to maintain its 'competitiveness'.

Mr King said: 'Our customers are facing huge pressures on their defence budgets and affordability has become an increasing priority. 'Our business needs to rise to this challenge to maintain its competitiveness and ensure its long-term future.'

What he also means is that they need to make much bigger profits than they already are. The sickmaking truth is that very soon there will be no one left in the UK who has the skill to work in advanced engineering and we will never be able to manufacture aircraft ever again!

Rant over.


I remember seeing posters and online adverts for this film when it came out at the cinema, but never really thought anything of it. I had no idea what it was about and never realised it was Spanish and had subtitles. I had never even heard of the original film it immediately follows on from.

Last night I watched it on Sky Movies Horror and was well impressed. The film takes place in a quarantined block of appartments in Barcelona. The camera work is of the shakycam variety much like Cloverfield. The premise is that a highly infectious virus has contaminated the occupants and turned them into rabid zombie like savages. We, the audience, are initially following the actions of a three man SWAT team who are sent into the building a long with a mysterious and enigmatic doctor. Needless to say nothing is as it seems and as the tension is ramped up it looks very bleak for the interlopers.

Midway through the film we join a new group of characters who also break into the building and swiftly find out they have taken on more than what they bargained for.

I won't say anymore about the plot... which I thought was quite original. Only that things are left open for Rec3

Totally recommend this film... but you must enjoy horror as you may suffer from nightmares!

Rating: 8/10

Just about sums up Britain...

Absolutely embarrassing... there are a load more photos like this on The Daily Mail website!

"NHS pay chief executive £3,163 a day for 141 days work at cash-strapped hospital"

"An NHS chief executive was paid £3,163 a day for just 141 days work at a cash-strapped hospital, it was revealed today.

Derek Smith received £387,220 for the 141 days he worked temporarily as boss of Dorset County Hospital, including £10,793 for expenses.

The executive had previously hit the headlines after hospital accounts showed he was paid £248,081 - or £2,557 a day - in the 2009/10 financial year for just 97 days work.

Documents for the last financial year have revealed that the NHS paid him a further £139,179 for his remaining 44 days at the hospital, the equivalent of £3,163 a day. Similarly, an interim director of finance hired by the same debt-ridden hospital was paid £280,621 for 201 days work, or £1,396 a day.

The hospital was £5.1 million in debt when they hired Mr Smith and has since reduced staffing levels through natural wastage to cut costs." -- Daily Mail website

What I want to know is what exactly does the chief executive of a hospital do to warrant £3,163 a day? And how can some tw*t make the decision to employ someone on such a basis when the hospital was so much in debt?? UNBELIEVABLE!

Rant over.

Whose side is that judge on?

How the hell can that retarded judge believe it is right to hold up the eviction of those thieving inbreeds? It beggars belief that some double-barrelled tw*t can take it upon himself to throw a spanner in the works.

Surely someone in authority should be dishing out the f*cker's P45? Meanwhile these Irish criminals are laughing at the British justice system.

Rant over.

Scarlett Johansson calls in the FBI

UNBELIEVABLE! Can this be for real? Scarlett Johansson (utterly shite but incredibly rich Hollywood "actress") has called in the FBI because someone (shock horror!) has published risque photos (that she took herself) online.

Are you telling me that the FBI haven't got anything better to do than to investigate topless photos of a so-called celebrity?

I bet the local Hertfordshire constabulary would jump straight to it if someone published nude pics of me on the Net!

Who gives a sh*t.

Rant over.

Skynet seeks to crowdsource the stars

"Idle home computers are being sought to help search through mountains of astronomical data. The Skynet project involves using the spare processing capacity of computers as a giant, distributed supercomputer. PC's joining Skynet will scour the data for sources of radiation that reveal stars, galaxies and other cosmic structures. People who process the most data could win a visit to one of the observatories gathering data for the project." -- BBC News website

Hmmmm... very clever. BUT... clearly the "genius" who thought up the name has never seen the Terminator films as SKYNET is the name of the computer system that takes over the world and decides the human race is to be eliminated from the face of the Earth. Bozos! I'm not letting my PC join Skynet as I really don't want a shapeshifting robot coming to butcher me!!

Rant over.

Game of Thrones

I wonder why they dropped the "A" from the title when they made the TV programme? Anyway... that doesn't matter because this drama series is utterly brilliant! The story and the world it is set in is fantastic and the characters and actors portraying them are sublime. HBO have done an incredible job in adapting George R R Martin's A Game of Thrones. Sean Bean heads up the cast as Ned Stark... head of the Stark family and Lord of Winterfell. I love the way all the northmen all speak with northern accents and are all straight-talking no nonsense warriors. Their deadly opponents are the Lannisters who are headed up by Charles Dance and you couldn't get a more devious bunch. Their motto is "a Lannister always pays his debts" and without doubt the character who reminds us this the most and who is probably the best character in the whole programme is Tyrion Lannister played by the brilliant Peter Dinklage. He literally steals every scene he is in. Dinklage's charisma is marvellous.

Series 2 is apparently in production and I personally cannot wait to watch it. In the meantime if you haven't seen series 1... I urge you to do so.

Rating: 10/10

More gypo rants...

So it has become apparent that a lot of these inbreeds own property in Ireland which quite apart from begging the question why do they live on an illegal campsite in Essex? But where on earth do they get the money from? They obviously don't have mainstream jobs (could you imagine a gypo working fullstop). Do they own or run successful business'? I think not (who in their right mind would buy anything from a gypo?). And yet they manage to afford to drive expensive cars and arrange even more expensive weddings... so quite obviously their wealth is stolen. SO WHY THE F*CK ARE THEY NOT INVESTIGATED AND ARRESTED. Whilst cutbacks are imposed on the rest of us... WHY ISN'T SOMETHING DONE ABOUT IT? LUNACY!

Rant over.

15 feet out of position

Don't you just love those little Hitler councillors that relish f*cking people over? Apparently a couple in Suffolk who have ploughed their savings into building their dream home have discovered that their new house is 15 feet too far to the right. No one at any stage noticed the error until construction was complete (though why the prick who noticed decided to drop them in it escapes me). Anyway the local council held a planning meeting to decide whether they should be allowed retrospective permission... and threw it out. So basically for no sensible reason these jobsworth a*rseholes are now forcing the couple to demolish their home. Let's be honest its just the councillors on a power trip. W*nkers.

Rant over.

£6 million for gypos to bugger off

UNBELIEVABLE! So let me get this right... a large group of thieving, filthy inbreeds who are illegally living at a campsite in Basildon have told the local council that they will leave the campsite if they pay them £6 million. Utterly incredible!!!

If it was down to me I would tell them they have one day to leave before I have the whole site flamethrowered... and then have them all arrested. What is wrong with this country?... they are f*cking criminals! There seems to have been little problem with imprisoning looters. What is the difference?

Rant over.

Dentist "recommendations"

Dentists really p*ss me off. The majority operate as commercial business' but they behave as if their customers are cretins and generally act in a condescending way. If you were purchasing any other service you wouldn't put up with it.

So what really f*cks me off is when you see some dentist in a TV advert extolling the virtues of a particular toothpaste or "pro-enamel". The f*cker is of course getting a big fat fee for saying it. But because it is a dentist saying it we assume it must be true! Utterly ridiculous.

Rant over.

Students are being charged £9,000 tuition fees for courses that really cost just £6,000 to run

"Universities charging £9,000 in tuition fees next year will be milking students for up to 50 per cent more than the actual cost of their courses, it has emerged. Official analysis of leading research-based universities shows the cost of teaching some courses is well below £6,000 per year – meaning students will be paying thousands extra every year.

The research, released by the Higher Education Funding Council for England, reveal the shocking extent to which students are being ripped off for their degrees. It comes as Edinburgh became the second Scottish university to consider raising its fees for students from the rest of the UK - prompting fears they could also soon be paying £9,000.

The figures show those studying arts and humanities subjects like business studies, social studies and languages are being overcharged the most, as these are cheaper to run."-- Daily Mail website

Doesn't surprise me... any organisation that can charge for it's services is naturally going to take the opportunity to charge as much as it can get away with. This government is hell bent on enforcing class distinction and is only interested in students from rich families going to university. It's the same principle as the private schools I talked about in my post a couple of days back. Keep the poor downtrodden is what it is all about.

Rant over.

The Woman In Black

It seems to be taking me at least a week to post about things we have been up to recently. Last Saturday (that is a week ago yesterday!) we took the train into London to see the excellent play... The Woman In Black.

There are only two two actors in this ghost story so a lot rests on their ability to hold the audience's attention and this they do admirably. It is effectively a play within a play and it is through this second play that you are slowly drawn into the story and the mystery that is who is the woman in black?

The elder of the two characters has to act out the parts of all the other characters in the second play and the younger character plays the part of elder character in the second play... confused? You should be. It does make sense though when you are watching it.

It helps that the theatre is very small and this draws the audience in... and makes them jump when the woman in black reveals herself.

We thoroughly enjoyed the performance and I would recommend it if you are ever in London and would like to experience a ghost story full of suspense.

Rating: 8/10

Money talks in education

So pupils at private schools achieve six times as many A* grades at GCSE than their state counterparts. And why is that? Some think that is because wealthy people and their families strive more for success and are more intelligent and have higher aspirations. I find that utterly insulting.

I reckon the main reason for their success is simply that private schools are commercial business' and because of that there is a customer service / sales mentality... there has to be. Where as in state schools there is no such mentality, so they don't bother giving such a service... after all why should they. With a lot of staff having their pay cut, why should they give a sh*t anyway.

So that's it... if you have plenty of money you are going to get on in life regardless of intelligence or aspiration because your parents can afford to send you to a private school. No money... it's f*ck off to you.

Rant over.

Opik compares himself to Mandela!

UNBELIEVABLE! I cannot believe that tw*t Lemsip Toxik, former Liberal MP, wannabe but sh*te comedian and now failed London mayoral candidate (beaten into 4th place by Brian Paddick) has compared himself to Nelson Mandela... in his wilderness years.

What the f*ck?

Rant over.

Simply Health...

Couldn't help thinking what a load of sh*te that Simplyhealth TV advert is... banging on about how "Anna" helped me through the process of sorting out "my" private healthcare. What a load of b*ll*cks... in reality it would be "Anna" informing you that due to a pre-existing condition (ie. you had a cold 5 years ago) you are not covered. Now f*ck off!

Rant over.

Jonathan Ross turned down millions...

Or so he says on the BBC news website. Apparently he was being paid £6 million pa which was pretty measely compared to what he turned down to remain at the Corporation. What a martyr you are Wossy. And guess what? He said his phone was being hacked too... Oh for f*cks sake.

Rant over.

Big Brother's Bit On The Side

Last Sunday you would have seen me on the telly on Channel 5*... sitting in the audience for an appalling episode of Celebrity Big Brother's Bit On The Side.

Myself and N were roped into doing this by MO on the proviso by me that I wouldn't have to speak on live TV answering questions from Emma Willis. I needn't have worried as the presenter turned out to be the supremely talentless Alice Levine and it turned out the whole show was a quiz programme.

We arrived at Elstree Studios at 8pm and were
escorted along with about 30 or so other members of the public to a waiting area where we were given drinks and crisps. Last years winner, Josie, turned up and was immediately mobbed by half the saddos in the room. Not only that but the attention seeking Joe Swash also made a surprise entrance as he had been next door filming Millionaire.

When we were finally lead into the studio I made sure I wasn't going to get picked on by nabbing a back row seat.

What I would like to say is that Alice Levine and Jodie Marsh wanted nothing to do with us - the studio audience. Alex Reid however was incredibly friendly and went out of his way to greet everyone of us. I was impressed. The show was on for hour and trying to act enthusiastic all the time was pretty hard... as the whole programme is utter sh*te! But it was definitely an experience to remember...

Welcome to The Garden City (Part 7)

The last day was finally upon us... and as a special treat we had breakfast at the aptly named The Breakfast Club, an establishment that N and I have dined in a number of times. I can certainly recommend the full English. Yet again there was a bit more shopping done before we finally returned home for our guests to do their last minute packing. Of course LAB had about 30kg in one of her suitcases so there was some frantic rearranging and the utilisation of a small case of N's.

Sadly it was time to leave for the airport and it was not long later that we were standing in departures by the security gate making our tearful farewells.

Coming soon... Cape Town VII

Welcome to The Garden City (Part 6)

Of course a trip to London wouldn't be complete without a visit to Harrods. I must admit I was disappointed we didn't see a Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Supersport parked on a double yellow line outside the store (that would have made my day!) but hey you can't have everything can you?

Anyway I've got ahead of myself a bit... on the Friday we travelled into London again for LAB's special day out which included... you guessed it... SHOPPING! Apart from Harrods, LAB browsed through about 50,000 different clothes shops and to be honest I was a bit numb by the end of it. After a spot of lunch in Starbucks we tubed it to Waterloo as it was Little "c" 's surprise which was a trip on The London Eye. Whilst LAB and Little "c" went for a leisurely rotation N and I sat on the grass and looked after Little "a".

Not really relishing the idea of battling the tube again with the pushchair we caught a bus instead and took the 10 minute journey back across the river to Covent Garden where we quickly located TGI Friday and had an early dinner. More shop browsing ensued before we finally took the tube back to Kings Cross and headed home.

To be continued...

Who do you think you are?

I love the way on this programme that the so called "celebrities" manage to track back a famous ancestor umpteen generations and then claim it is such an honour that they are part of that family.

For instance in tonights edition Sebastian Coe discovers that about seven generations ago one of his ancestors was Lieutenant General or some such title of New York circa 1734. The fact that going that far back probably means a few thousand other people alive today are also related to that individual seems to escape him. Tw*t.

Rant over.

Charging for digging holes in roads

I thought that was bloody typical on the news today. Some bright spark has come up with the idea of charging utility companies for digging up roads... supposedly to encourage proper co-ordination between the various companies.

Thats the answer to everything in this country... charge for it. If there is the potential to make a profit out of anything then some f*cker will charge a fee. Of course in this case the utility companies will simply pass the cost onto the customer. Terrific idea.

Rant over.

Welcome to The Garden City (Part 5)

The highlight of the week was our daytrip to Legoland Windsor. £41 per adult gained us entrance to a pretty impressive theme park and an experience Little "c" would never forget.

Ride No. 1 was the Viking Splash... which typically saturated me the most. There then followed a succession of not exactly white knuckle rides but pleasantly exhilarating ones. Little "c" enjoyed them all save the Pirate Ship swing thing as it made her "tummy scared".

The worst part was the queuing... you could put your hand in your pocket and fork out an extra £15 each and you could bypass the line... or you could wait about 45 minutes. The pirate log plume gave the kids a queuing distraction in the form of duplo lego bricks to play with whilst the grown ups zigzagged their way to the front.

We ended up staying all day and still didn't see everything. Cardboard burger for dinner. A caricature portrait of Little "c", a wander around Miniland, a sedate aerial railway and a rope climbing lift ride were the concluding events... and then it was finally home time. Everyone fell asleep in the car (except me as I was driving).

To be continued...

Welcome to The Garden City (Part 4)

A major feature of LAB's visit to the UK was to shop! So not to disappoint we took our guests to London's premier shopping centre: Westfield London. For a while I had the responsibility of looking after Little "c" in the kids play area. She set about meticulously painting a multicoloured ceramic elephant but passed on the mask and the doorhanger. After a while we headed off to find the others. I spent some time browsing the books in Foyles and flicked through the latest novel in the Song of Ice and Fire series by George R R Martin. Also I had a look in a gadget shop (will almost certainly close due to the pointless nature of it's merchandise) which stocked radio controlled helicopters with miniature cameras fitted so you can spy on people (£70).

We had an expensive fish and chips for lunch... with mushy peas (I'm not keen on mushy peas! But it didn't stop N getting them for me)... and then did a bit more shopping before coming home (in light of the riots and looting we thought it prudent not to hang about).

Dinner that evening was courtesy of Dominos and of course I consumed more than my fair share of pizza!

To be continued.

Welcome to The Garden City (Part 3)

I've actually been three times to Whipsnade Zoo in the last three years... before that it was probably 33 years! The first two times were for a fortieth birthday celebration and for a christening. This time it was for a proper full on zoo visit. We were originally considering going to London Zoo but after the effort required to travel to Regents Park for Lollibop by public transport we thought better of it and drove to Whipsnade instead.

First of all we took in a ten minute sealion show which was then followed by a ride on the steam train. Then we decided to walk up to the Giraffe enclosure where little "c" learned all about giraffes' stomachs and how many bones they have in their necks (they actually have seven bones which is in fact the same as a human).

We had sandwiches for lunch and whilst we were eating we were constantly interrupted by an inquisitive peacock. After our meal we walked back to the entrance gate and caught the tour bus that circumnavigated the zoo. Little "c" and I got off at the hippo pen whilst N, LAB and little "a" stayed on. Little "c" and I then took a look at the hippos (one of which went for a massive dump in front of us as it got out of the water), followed by lions, meerkats (simples!) and flamingos.

We met up with the others at the cafe and after some more refreshments we walked over to the Discovery Centre where there was a large collection of reptiles and fish. At last it was time to go home and we wearily walked back to the car.

To be continued...

"Irrevocably damaged..."

Just been watching the latest Newsnight on BBC2 and what do you get: Three pseudo intellectual foreign tw*ts saying that Britain has been irrevocably damaged by the rioting and looting in foreign eyes. B*ll*cks has it. No one will even remember it a few weeks down the line. Don't these pompous f*ckers realise that the public in most countries have memories like goldfish. And typically the French advised their population not to come to England. They really hate us don't they!

Rant over.

Welcome to The Garden City (Part 2)

Sunday we headed off to Biscester Village outlet shopping centre. To be honest I was gobsmacked at the number of people present... whether they were all spending considering the current economic climate was another question. I was tasked with keeping an eye on little "c" and little "a" whilst LAB scythed her way through the various stores.

On the way back we quickly stopped off at The Galeria in Hatfield as LAB wanted a quick perusal in Gap.

Dinner that evening was a fantastic breyani prepared by LAB. Followed by a couple of episodes of Modern Family.

To be continued...

Binscum aggravation again...

Don't you just love it when you arrive home from a day out with your relatives and those motherf*cking, ar*eholing, retarded, scumfaced, w*nking b@stard binapes have left your bin full with two weeks worth of rubbish... personally I would wish that every last one of these pricks would be rounded up, tortured horribly and shot through the head.


Rant over.

Welcome to The Garden City (Part 1)

N and I had an early start last Friday morning... getting up at 5am so as we could drive down to Heathrow to pick up my sister-in-law LAB and my two nieces: Little "c" and Little "a".

Amazingly the journey both ways went very quickly and uneventfully and it was in no time at all that we were back at home. LAB decided to have a rest with Little "a" and we took Little "c" with us to the town centre for a quick shopping trip to buy some rolls for lunch.

I have never watched so much kid's TV (well not since I was a kid myself). CBeebies and Disney Jr with the result being two entranced nieces.

That evening's dinner we spent at The Cowper Arms in Cole Green along with MO. Little "c" went outside immediately to play... where she gets the energy from is mindboggling!

Day 2... and after a better than I expected sleep on a mattress in the living room we all got up to get ready for a trip to London's Regents Park where the Lollibop Festival was taking place. To make things easy I dropped off N and our guests in the town centre, then quickly drove home and walked back into town.

We caught the train to Kings Cross and then the fun and games really started... as we had to use the tube. Fortunately there were some lifts we could use but in places there was no alternative but to pick up the pushchair containing Little "a" and carve our way through the crowds of people that thronged the station. After a stressful half hour we eventually arrived at Regents Park.

As you may imagine there was a helluva lot of kids with their parents at Lollibop. All kinds of activities were going on and we quickly picked up a ticket for Little "c" to join the trapeze workshop at 2pm. Little "c" is massively into drawing and colouring in so she did a bit of that to begin with. The queues for the trampolines and the facepainting were pretty long and as she had her trapeze class coming up we decided to eat first (the obligatory rip-off hotdog for £4.50).

Little "c" was first onto the trapeze and to be honest was a bit shy but she certainly seemed to enjoy it. Whilst all this was going on LAB was queuing for the facepainting. Little "c" joined her in the line and when it got to her turn she decided to have a "princess" face.

There were various comedic characters roaming around the park... including two blokes on springy stilts dressed up as kangaroos. What I thought was a bit dodgy was that one of them had a pair of enormous bollocks dangling between the legs of his costume!

Eventually we decided to leave and of course LAB decided she wanted to do a quick bit of shopping in the West End. So whilst N and I looked after the kids she dived into H&M along Regents Street. At long last we wearily battled the tube again back to Kings Cross and returned home... knackered!

To be continued...

US Credit Rating downgraded?

How the f*ck can some company called Standard & Poor wag its finger and announce that in its eyes the US credit rating is downgraded? And because of that announcement f*ck over the world's financial markets. You can imagine a group of pompous ar*eholes meeting in some flash office in Switzerland pretending they know better than anyone else and then making that statement knowing the fact that they are going to create havoc around the world. Sounds f*cking irresponsible to me. I can't blame the Americans going ballistic at the news, it's not even like the other credit agencies followed suit. It makes me wonder if they did it just to receive some publicity.

Rant over.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Okay I realise I'm about a week late with this blogpost, as I did in fact see this film last Friday (the day it was released). But... hey, painting the bathroom did take priority. Anyway as usual I digress.

Captain America: The First Avenger is the origin story of the USA's first supersoldier. Steve Rodgers (played by Chris Evans) is a 9 stone weakling who has a strong sense of doing the right thing and standing up to bullies. It is actually in this early stage of the film that our hero is at his best, ie. Flawed. Once he has been administered the superserum and those physical flaws have been eliminated the character becomes far more two dimensional. Again I won't describe the plot in any kind of detail but Cap goes up against his evil nemesis the nazi genius the Red Skull portrayed by Agent Smith himself, the tremendous Hugo Weaving. After various battles and a couple of interesting montages the climax of the film has Steve Rodgers piloting a nuclear bomber into the Arctic.

To be honest I thought Thor was a better film but Captain America has plenty of thrills and whatever you do, you must stay to the after credits epilogue which also features The Avengers trailer... which looks utterly fantastic!

Rating: 7/10

No rest for the wicked...

I haven't had time to write any blogposts this week as although I'm currently on holiday it has been non-stop working at home. Clearing out the garage (which is still a work in progress), painting the bathroom walls, helping N get the spareroom ready and a myriad of other vital operations. And now we are ready for our guests to arrive tomorrow!

Sod's Law at the petrol station

I've ranted before about queuing at petrol stations... but today's episode was a real pisser. Usually I pick the wrong queue and end up stuck behind some retard who acts as if they've never seen - let alone used a petrol pump before. Meanwhile the f*cker who came in behind me but picked an adjacent queue moves straight into position within mere moments. But today it was the other way round. I WAS IN THERE! Like a flash. Start filling up... threequarters full and then all the pumps shutdown. So as I had enough fuel to be getting on with I go and pay for it... whilst I'm in the shop paying the pumps reboot back to zero and I find out that had I waited I may have received £32 worth of unleaded for nothing. F*cking typical.

Rant over.

Sports Direct shop staff to each net '£43,000 bonus'

"Two thousand shop staff at Sports Direct were celebrating after landing a shares windfall worth on average more than £43,000 each for beating sales and profits targets. Sports Direct, founded by former squash coach Mike Ashley 29 years ago, has hit its target for the second year in a row, with profits up 25 per cent for the year ending this April. This means its staff are set for a shares windfall worth more than twice their average salary of £20,000. It is believed to be the largest shares bonanza of its kind ever to be handed out to shop staff in Britain. While other high street stores are struggling, the company - whose boss also owns Newcastle United - has surged ahead with its business.

Staff at the discount sportswear chain, which also owns Sports World, Lillywhites and brands including Slazenger, Lonsdale and Dunlop, who are entitled to the share pay-out are those that have been on the payroll for two years. Each will receive an average £30,960 share payout, and in addition will net a bonus payout for meeting the previous year’s target, which means they will each pocket an average total of £43,860."-- Daily Mail website.

Okay... let me get this right. A shop that sells everything with a tag on it saying 75% off (yeah right - like it was ever 75% more!). All undoubtly manufactured in sweatshops in the far east... and more importantly employs the most retarded chimpanzees known to the retail sector is paying out bonus' of £43,000 to said monkeys. I f*cking give up. Have you ever had a good experience in one of these shops? The staff are total f*ckwits... there is barely a f*cking braincell amongst any of them. And they get a £43,000 bonus. I despair.

But more importantly... what I find incredible is that the bloke who owns Sports Direct is actually rewarding the staff in this way. Surely bosses in his position would simply pocket the money for themselves? Weird.

Rant over.

Thorin Oakenshield

Richard Armitage as Thorin Oakenshield... looks like Gowron from Star Trek!

Three more dwarves... Bombur, Bofur and Bifur

Looking better and better... Bombur, Bofur and Bifur (I think!)

Hacking a mobile

With all this phone hacking going on I was intrigued to find out how easy it is to do. Basically it isn't easy at all... well not now at least. Which makes sense because all this NoW stuff went on a few years back when voicemail was more popular and all that guarded it was a four digit PIN. These days with smartphones it is much more tricky and usually involves getting hold of the victim's device or to unwittingly download a dodgy App or be directed to a nefarious website. With the advent of loading money on to your phone for financial transactions... it puts you right off!!

The Dark Knight Rises

Another film I'm really looking forward to... looks like all hell will be let loose in Gotham City!

The End of The News of The World

I actually feel sad that today saw the last issue of The News of The World. Not that I had ever bought the paper (although I must admit I would always flick through it if any friends of mine had bought it and had left it lying around). I feel sorry for the fact that something quintessentially British has come to an end after 168 years... and in such a shoddy way. I am certainly not condoning the behaviour of the journalists involved in the phone hacking of murder victims or soldiers fighting in Afghanistan... but I seriously do not give a sh*t whether the likes of Hugh "I'm a bumbling toffee nosed tw*t" Grant or Steve "Aah ha!" Coogan have had their undoubtly uninteresting phone conversations listened to. In fact isn't it unsurprising the amount of non-entities who have stepped forward and announced that they believe their personal phone calls were spied upon. Perversely it seems it is positively cool to say "My phone was hacked by the News of The World. And what has happened? The supremely repulsive Rupert Murdoch and his vile son have shut down the newspaper... and the ugly and nasty looking bitch who was the editor at the time and is now CEO (I detest that term) of News International has got away scot free whilst the employees have been branded as scapegoats. The whole thing stinks. The News of The World may have employed dubious tactics but it deed reveal some hot undercover stories... and did embarrass plenty of scumbags who deserved to be embarrassed. Who is going to do that now?

Rant over.

Gloin and Oin... from The Hobbit

I like the way they have kept the family resemblance to Gimili... really looking forward to this!

Look at the state of Sinead O'Connor!!!

I couldn't believe it when I saw the photo at the top of Sinead O'Connor as she is now. What the f*ck?