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I like whodunnits... they maybe corny - but I like them nonetheless. N and I booked tickets to see Deathtrap at The Noel Coward Theatre in London through late last week for the matinee performance on Saturday. I could vaguely remember the film starring Michael Caine and Christopher Reeve and the infamous scene where they kissed which basically meant I had remembered one of the twists... of course I didn't tell N. No really of course I didn't!

I'm not going to explain the plot but I will say the acting was reasonably good. One of the actors was one of the stars from Glee (don't ask me which one because I wasn't close enough to see and I haven't bothered to check him out on the Internet).

Actually talking about not being close enough to see... we were not in the best of seats (probably explains the cheap tickets) and as the theatre was slowly filling up we noticed there were four empty seats in a much better position at the front of the balcony. Of course two middle-aged women who were sitting behind us also noticed the seats and rather than wait until it was obvious no one was going to occupy them they made their way down to them immediately. Much to my delight the people who had booked them turned up and there then ensued the humiliation of the two older women who then had to skulk back to their original seats. Did I laugh? You bet I did!

Anyway I would say Deathtrap is well worth seeing... and would heartily recommend it.

Rating: 8/10

"Disaster as Daybreak ratings fall to 530,000"

I must say I was very pleased to read that the fat brummie slug and his girlfriend have proven to be a disaster on their morning breakfast programme. Apparently one viewer complained: "Adrian Chiles' demeanour and delivery are OK for evening TV but not first thing. At 8am I want bright and pleasant." To be honest I don't want to see him at anytime. Serves them bloody well right... I bet the Beeb are laughing their heads off!

Rant over.

Supermarket Basket

How many times does the following happen to you? Walk into your local Morrisons/Sainsburys/Asda/Tescos... go to grab a basket - and what happens? You pull out two... because the soddin' things are jammed together. EVERYTIME! Really gets my goat.

Rant over.

Brooklyn's Finest

Sometimes it's tricky to find a film that you really want to see out of your local Blockbuster. Last Friday we must have studied the shelves of DVDs for ages before finally picking out Hot Tub Time Machine and Brooklyn's Finest.

Now, if you have seen and enjoyed the excellent Training Day with Denzel Washington and Ethan Hawke then you will also be highly impressed with Brooklyn's Finest - which funnily enough is by the same team (and also stars Ethan Hawke).

The plot basically follows the lives of 3 different police officers - Ethan Hawke who works on the drug raids (and is robbing and murdering the drugdealers so as he can buy a new house), Richard Gere who is an underachieving beat cop who has 7 days left before he retires and is trying to steer clear of trouble and Don Cheadle who is working deep undercover within the drug gangs.

The film is spectacularly and brutally violent (like Training Day) and the acting is terrific. Everyone featuring in it is well cast and there is not a duff performance amongst any of them. As the 3 separate story threads come together you know things are going to end violently... and they do!


Rating: 9/10

The Official Top Ten Jokes

10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"'

4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut're next!" '.
3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'
2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

"As swingeing cuts loom for Britain, staff at Goldman Sachs share £2.4bn bonus (and that's just for the last three months)"

A typical but highly topical headline from the Daily Mail:

Staff at investment bank Goldman Sachs are in line to earn £310,000 each in pay and bonuses this year, it was revealed today.

The US bank announced a £2.4 billion payout for staff in the third quarter of the current financial year. The windfall brings the total value of the pot earmarked for the first nine months of the year to £8.3 billion.

That puts Goldman's 35,400 workers on average salaries of £233,813 each so far this year - with projected earnings of £310,000 for the whole financial year.

So the moneygrabbing f*ckers that work for this "bank" a lot of whom contributed to the banking crash just carry on being paid extortionate amounts in bonus'. Why is it the taxpayers of the world had to pay out to keep this disgusting company functioning... and now, tomorrow we are about to see the axe fall on 500,000 jobs. They just waltz on totally exempt from enduring any hardship whilst the rest of the general public are punished.

Rant over.

No aircraft... and "cyber terrorism"

It really beggars belief... the Royal Navy will get its two new Queen Elizabeth class aircraft carriers - but with no fighter jets!!! What f*cking retard thought that one up? I love it - the coalition Government suddenly starts banging on about "cyber terrorism" simply to take people's attention away from the cuts it's about to inflict on the armed forces.

Rant over.

This weeks X Factor rant

I've been wondering about posting a weekly X Factor rant... and this evening I decided to give it a go. Now don't get me wrong I actually quite enjoy watching the programme. God know's why - but I do! I don't like Louis Walsh, Dannii Minogue, certainly dislike Cheryl Cole and I utterly loathe Simon Cowell - but the programme as a whole is quite watchable.

Two things that occurred to me whilst watching this weekends editions were:

a) The skinny bitch with the skew mouth and the crappy boy band have been pre-selected to win... or at least all the stops have been pulled out to get them to win (to replicate Alexandra Burke and JLS from a couple of years ago).

b) Cheryl Cole (as Simon Cowell's acolyte) had either been ordered to or was deliberately sucking up to him - by dismissing Diva Fever and thus not forcing him to make an embarrassing vote against one of his own acts. Notice how he really didn't like it when quizzed by Dermot O'Leary as to whom he would have picked. Diva Fever's annoyance bubbled out when one of them commented on the poor selection of song... made by Cowell. Mind you I don't suppose SC gives a sh*t.

I was unsurprised that the weird looking Storm Lee bit the dust automatically... but I really don't think he was going to play a part in the master plan.

Rant over.

Get stuffed...

They look perfectly civilised, carefully passing cups and plates around a large table while enjoying afternoon tea.

But these guests are in fact stuffed kittens in an odd piece of artwork which will make up part of a special one-off exhibition.

It is just one piece of a bizarre Victorian collection of stuffed animals which was broken up and sold around the world seven years ago.

The eccentric world of taxidermist Walter Potter, where stuffed animals mimic human life including toads playing leapfrog and rat police raiding a drinking den, was sold for more than £500,000 in 2003. -- Daily Mail

Hmmm... Walter Potter you were one sick f*ck. What I want to know was did these kittens die of natural causes or did the evil b*st*rd murder the little moggies so as he could create his diabolical diorama?

Rant over.

Barnaby's wife...

I actually quite like Midsomer Murders... it has that sort of cosy Agatha Christie type feel. But one bloody thing that gets on my wick - is that during every soddin' story Detective Barnaby's miserable faced wife is somehow involved. eg. she happens to belong to a group where someone ends up murdered or like last weeks episode she just happens to be working at the venue where another murder occurs. She's worse than flamin' Jessica Fletcher... everywhere she goes some poor b*st*rd ends up dead!

Rant over.

The Troll Hunter


I've just been watching the trailer to the greatest film to come out of Norway... Trolljegeren or The Troll Hunter to give it's English title. Apparently it concerns a film crew who stumble upon a poacher who turns out to be working for the Norwegian government and is employed to keep quiet the existence of trolls from the general public. The advanced reviews all say it is BRILLIANT!!


The news story about the drunken barrister who was shot by the police piqued my interest today - particular the following comment...

They highlighted confusion among senior police ranks over who was responsible for 59 firearms officers armed with 109 weapons and said not enough weight was given to the fact Mr Saunders was clearly drunk, depressed and vulnerable.

Let me get this right. One drunk depressed bloke with a shotgun surrounded by 59 firearms officers... and they didn't let his wife speak to him to calm him down a bit. And I bet they were all on overtime as it took 5 hours to decide to shoot him. Must have cost us taxpayers a fortune...

Rant over.

The Lovely Bones

Every so often we hire 3 films on DVD from our local Blockbuster store and watch them over the course of a weekend. Last time one of the films we watched was The Lovely Bones which is the latest from Peter Jackson (The Lord of The Rings, King Kong etc.) and to be honest I was not particularly impressed. The film is set in the early 70's and concerns the brutal murder of a young girl called Susie Salmon by a creepy loner who lives across the road. Susie however is left in a kind of limbo and can see what happens after she has been murdered. The film is rather sentimental and the sequences that grate on me are the scenes in limbo with strangely coloured skies and fantastical landscapes etc. It just feels a bit naff to me. The actress who plays Susie Salmon is okay but when she is narrating it is one of those breathless type voices that annoy me. The killer looks a bit weird too. Looks like a youngish guy dressed up to play someone a lot older plus the film also features the supremely untalented Mark Wahlberg (why does he still get parts?)

I suppose the film is worth a viewing but in my honest opinion I was disappointed.

Rating: 5/10

Colin Montgomerie... HOW OLD???

You are telling me that Colin Montgomerie is 47 years old?... That is ridiculous - he doesn't look a day under 60. Jeezus O'Reilly. Just shows you how you don't need to be remotely fit to play golf - doesn't it?

Rant over.

Who's the tw*t in the background on the lotto programme?

Who's the d*ck with the clipboard on the lotto programme? Are you telling me he is really there to write down the winning numbers when they pop out of the lottery machine?? Surely they can be recorded at a distance... or is it really to give the impression that there is intense security in operation. Also why do they put on fake cheering when each number is called out. "23... HOORAY!!". "16... YEAHHHHH!!!"

Utter b*ll*cks.

Rant over.

You've got to be... so crappo, you've got be sooo crappo!

Blimey... I can't believe a year has passed since I last ranted about that talentless nobody, Sinitta. What the f*ck does this bloody woman do? There she is again on The X Factor with that arrogant pr*ck Cowell and she does absolutely f*ck all... and you can bet your bottom dollar she collects a big fat cheque at the end of it. Really gets my goat!

Rant over.

Michael Gove

The Education Minister Michael Gove... is this bloke for real? What on Earth does he look like? PILLOCK!