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"Why do women hate me for being beautiful?"

So says journalist Samantha Brick, who has written one notorious article in the Daily Mail and is currently appearing in Celebrity Big Brother... wellll...

You're not... you're f*cking ugly!

Rant over.

Salt'n vinegar?

Every so often when I pop over to see my mum I'll buy her fish and chips from the local chippy... and everytime they ask (no matter who is serving) "Would you like salt and vinegar?" And everytime I respond "Yes please!" they then scoop up a load of chips and plonk the fish on top and ask "Did you say you wanted salt and vinegar?"... even though they had asked mere seconds ago. This happens every single f*cking time I place an order - without exception! How difficult is it?

Rant over.

Eight-legged freak...

Just bloody typical isn't it? You go to bed and as it is about 30 degrees you leave the covers off, you lie back and glance at the ceiling... only to notice a bloody great spider directly above you staring down from its upsidedown perch. So what do you do? Go and clobber it with your wife's slipper... of course not because the b*st*rd thing will drop down on the bed and disappear.

Nope... all you can do is hope it will bugger off of its own accord or hope you don't feel something drop on your face when its dark.

Rant over.

Beep... beep... beeeeeep!

And... another thing that I find really irritating is the beeping sound our microwave oven makes when it reaches the end of its cooking time. It's as if the f*cker who designed it specifically selected the exact frequency that skewers your cerebal cortex. And then to make matters even worse it repeats itself every 30 seconds until you open the f*cking door! B*st*rd thing.

Rant over.

Lock the damn thing...

Why is it in films or TV programmes whenever someone gets out of a car they just slam the door shut and do not bother to lock it. All they need to do is show the lights flash to add a bit of realism... but no... just leave the vehicle unlocked.
It's the same with convertibles, just leave the roof down and walk away.

Would you do that in real life?... No you wouldn't!

Rant over.

Name someone from Bahrain

I see Bahrain had two entrants in the women's 5000 metres... except they were actually from Ethiopa! Has an actual native from Bahrain ever done anything apart from write a cheque and get some other f*cker to do it for them? Utterly ridiculous... same as the UAE. Contribution to the world = a big fat zero.

Rant over.


Just been watching the women's 100m sprint final and couldn't help noticing all the double-barrelled names. What's all that about? Sanya Ross-Richards? Somebody Fraser-Price, Ujamaflip Campbell-Brown.

I suppose it was the legendary FloJo (Florence Griffiths-Joyner) who spawned all this. It clearly seems to be a prerequisite to success... either that or they're all copying one another. Retards.

Rant over.

Fifty Shades of Sh*te

I find it incredible how this book has become so successful because the quality of the writing is sh*t of the highest order. Alright... I'll admit I've only skimmed through it and that has been to hunt out the shagging scenes which are quite numerous and actually quite boring and poorly described.

However what really grates on me (and this goes for any novel) is the way the writer drops in product names... eg."She pulled on her Calvin Kleins and a pair of Converses" or "He slid into the driving seat of his BMW 328i M Sport. Why the hell do you need to specify the exact model or make of anything? Rubbish. And in the case of Fifty Shades it has made E L James exceptionally wealthy.

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.15

Usain Bolt is a pretty nifty and highly appropriate name. Yohan Blake is a bit daft when it comes to the spelling but it does roll off the tongue. Tyson Gay however is simply f*cking ridiculous. Why on earth would you keep such a stupid contradictory name? Retard.

Rant over.

I'm pleased to say I was wrong...

Six gold medals in one day - that was simply incredible. Jessica Ennis, Greg Rutherford, Mo Farah and all the others... YOU WERE ALL ABSOLUTELY BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!

Wiggo is God!

The Hammond Rants salutes Bradley Wiggins!!!