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The Hotel

Mark Jenkins (former) owner of The Grosvenor in Torquay is a brilliant character. You cannot fault him for tenacity or effort, however some of his judgement calls are questionable (well actually all of his judgement calls are questionable). I watched the first episode of the new series of The Hotel last night and couldn't help but think a lot of the situations shown were staged... how on Earth could so many cock ups occur naturally? Nonetheless it was very amusing. The buffoon with the jet ski... what was all that about?? And what exactly does that sarcastic tub of lard, Alison do? Christian the ever so camp events manager left at the end of the first series but was mysteriously back for the second probably because the pseudo documentary needed him.

Afterwards I googled the hotel's website only to find they had gone bust and had been bought out by some other hotel group. Shame.

Watch it though as it is very funny!

Rating: 8/10

Gerry Anderson: RIP

I can remember as a child eating a Sunday roast whilst watching classic episodes of Thunderbirds. The story featuring the Crablogger was one of my all time favourites... A huge out of control construction vehicle which ripped up and devoured trees by the copse load to clear away rainforest ready for building work to begin. Of course International Rescue swung into action and saved the day.

I loved it...

And now sadly it's creator: Gerry Anderson has passed away.

His ideas were well ahead of his time. The Fireflash. Moving the Empire State Building. The Sidewinder... all were brilliant creations. Thunderbirds 1 to 5 and Tracey Island. Scott, Virgil, Alan, Gordon, John and the patriarch Jeff Tracey. Brains, Lady Penelope and her dodgy butler: Parker "Yes, me Lady". Fantastic.

Of course there wasn't just Thunderbirds... Captain Scarlet was another fave along with Joe 90.

Gerry... You will be sadly missed!

Wendy Hurrell fans strike back...

About a year ago I posted a rant about Wendy Hurrell who presents the weather forecast on BBC London News (although I've never read anything about her being qualified to present the weather - I thought it was recommended you had a degree and passed some course at the Met Office... but anyway). I basically said she looked pretty determined to get her face on the TV etc. Then several months went by and I suddenly received a tidal wave of comments praising her up and extolling her virtues and that I was a prat for criticising her.

Anyway I thought I would publish the comments as a post... so here we go:

If you wish to rant about something try the economy, poverty, housing, politics, racism, religion, homophobia, ect, ect, ect. Instead of attacking a hard working individual you obviously don't know anything about. on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Lee Browne on 26/10/12

Wendy is a legend. Not ONE negative comment about her! she is one of life's wonderful people and if everyone was as lovely as her the world would be a better place. Leave her alone! She's amazing! on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Hannah Davies on 09/10/12

Wendy is a great presenter. She manages to combine her knowledge and enthusiasm with a friendly and approachable demeanour. Long may she continue to be on my TV and radio. on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 20/09/12

You clearly are a complete idiot. The facts speak against everything you said. Wendy is a lovely girl who has achieved everything she has today through hard work. She has done very well in a very competitive industry and will most likely go on to bigger and better things. I hasten a guess but that is probably more than you can say about yourself. on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 20/09/12

I live in the republic of Ireland and set my sky box to news 24 every morning in the vein hope of being woken by Wendys weather and travel report and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Bland is not an appropriate word for someone who puts the human face to news. Checkout her report on parcour available on vimeo, at least she's brave enough to have a go! on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

Wendy is awesome! Keep up the good work Wendy :) on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

Pathetic Hammond. Wendy is a fantastic presenter and brightens up every programme she appears in. She has obviously worked very hard to earn a place at BBC London and I hope we continue to see much more of her. She is also drop dead gorgeous!!! on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

I've never seen a list of comments where people have been so supportive and positive. Check out any YouTube video's comments...I think you may have it wrong this time Hammond... on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

leave wendy alone she is doing a good job on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

I also know Wendy from school/college and confirm what Kieran says. Wendy was always bright and committed, annoyingly so at times! It seems to me that she has achieved what she has through hard work. She may well be ambitious, but who isn't? She has done well but her career path thus far doesn't suggest that she has been ambitious to the detriment of others. Keep up the good work Wendy. on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

I saw Wendy at Top Gear. Lovely legs, nice smile :) What's wrong with intelligent eye candy? on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

Those that can, do; those that can’t, teach; those that can’t teach, critique. on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

Leave our wendy alone! Or i'll hunt you down n put paul o'grady dvd's through your letterbox! on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

I went to school with Wendy and she had always worked here arse off at every thing she did. She represented our school for loads of different things and always went above and beyond. She was as good looking then as she is now so was in the popular group but always had time for others. She deserves to be where she is she gas worked to get where she is and has never forgot where she came from. Good on ya Wendy this bloke is obviously bored with nothing better to do Cheers Kieren on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

Wendy has worked in regional television for nearly a decade previously with ITV Anglia in Norwich. If you really thing she's climbing up the greasy pole of television, then she's doing a bad job of it staying on BBC London since 2008 doing the same job, bar some additional arts reporting and BBC London's other regional show Inside Out. If you want someone to complain about, there are other presenters you could so easily tag instead of Wendy. on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

Ok Hammond, who the hell are you? Some talentless oaf methinks. on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

Ok Hammond, who the hell are you? Some talentless oaf methinks. on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

Ok Hammond, who the hell are you? Some talentless oaf methinks. on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

i miss her on anglia weather on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12

You do know she has been doing media stuff long before BBC London right? Working her way up to get to the position she is now. Long may Ms Hurrell continue! on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

Anonymous on 18/09/12
Thanks for commenting on my blog. I'm guessing you maybe Wendy Hurrell (as you must have specifically searched "Wendy Hurrell" under Google blog search and I can't see many people doing that and being so indignant as to send a reply). Answering your questions: Personally speaking I don't see any talent. Reading I can see someone who is determined to publicise herself and become known across the media. I don't think I am shouting anything as hardly anyone reads this blog and "yes" I probably would say it to her face. on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

The Hammond on 11/07/12

Talented presenter in TV success shocker. Amazing that you should judge someone so vitriolically without even knowing them. How exactly would you know where she wanted to go or whether she has bare naked ambition? She's just good at her job. It's so easy to shout these things on an anonymous web page. Would you say it to her face? on The rise and rise of Wendy Hurrell... whoever she is?

WOW!... I was amazed at the response I got. Especially as I have ranted about so many people over the last six years and no one has ever bothered to come out with so much support for the target of my rant. Looks like I hit a raw nerve with Wendy. Oh yes... the person who called me a talentless oaf did repeat their comment four times!

Cillit Bang!... and who the hell is Barry Scott?

What is the angle of these ridiculous adverts?

"Hi, I'm Barry Scott and I want to tell you about new Cillit Bang!" ... Eh?

Why have some retard shout "I'm Barry Scott" as if we are all going to say "Ah... so you're the famous Barry Scott". Who the f*ck is Barry Scott when he's at home? And why is this product called Cillit Bang? It sounds like bloody gibberish. Total sh*te.

Rant over.


Why is it... whenever I tear open a sachet of something powdery like a Lemsip sachet for instance, I never ever tear across low enough - which invariably means that I can't get the contents out. Of course when I make that second tear it is too far down and it all spews out on the floor. Typical.

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.20

And another thing that drives me up the wall is when you have a kitchen cupboard that whenever you open it the bloody contents always fall out. Doesn't matter how the items are stacked... everytime that door swings open an avalanche of sh*te drops out.

Rant over.

I'm a non-entity, get me out of here...

Unfortunately I watched a bit of this rubbish programme tonight... and couldn't help laugh at the delusional David Haye who said he intended to pursue an acting career in Hollywood once his boxing days were over.

Yeah right... okay David.

Rant over.


The design of these things doesn't seem to have changed for years... well at least as long as I can remember. But what I want to know is - why 50% of them always seem to have been knocked over? How clumsy can people be when they are driving? And when I come to think of it I've never seen one in the process of being flattened...


Because you're worth it...

Blimey... I seem to be on a cosmetics ranting spree at the moment, but with Christmas less than a month away it is impossible to avoid TV adverts on the subject. Which leads me on to the question... how many spurious and undoubtly overpriced products do L'Oreal make? There seems to be thousands of them. Advertised every commercial break... and how much is Cheryl Cole paid to say "because I'm worth it"... because sorry you aren't.

Rant over.

50 ml or 100 ml...?

I cannot believe the ridiculous pricing on perfume. For instance £37 for 50ml and £42 for 100ml. Where is the sense or logic in that?

Rant over.

Razor blades

Why the hell do replacement razor blades cost £58,000,000 per pack of three? Bit of a rhetorical question that... the answer clearly being: TO RIP YOU OFF!!!

Rant over.


Another thing that I find irksome are the so called "experts" who are interviewed for their opinions on various radio or TV channels. Particularly stations such as Radio 3. They always seem to be the same type... ie. pompous, patronising and arrogant. Again... anything to do with the media is dominated by mile high egos and a stampede for recognition by the public..."look at me, look at me, I'm so clever and knowledgeable". Pathetic.

Rant over.

What has EE got to do with Kevin Bacon?

What on earth has Kevin Bacon got to do with selling mobile phones in the UK? For a start I don't suppose Kevin Bacon had ever heard of EE before they contacted him for the role... and half the things he talks about in the advert must mean absolutely nothing to him (he mentions Coronation Street at one point). And it is not until you read about him a bit on Wikipedia that you realise the reasoning behind everything revolves around Kevin Bacon. Too surreal, too weird and no relevance. Certainly doesn't make me want to go out and get an EE contract... Oh wait a minute I'm with T-Mobile therefore I already am. Damn!

Rant over.

The Hammond Rants - Revamped!

I thought it was about time I gave the The Hammond Rants a fresh new look... so here it is... a bit more grungy than previous. I hope you like it and of course please feel free to comment!

Savile's wealth

Ignoring the fact that Jimmy Savile appears to have been Britain's most prolific sex offender... what I want to know is (apart from how he got away with it) - Is how the f*ck he became so rich?

"Er er er... hello guys and gals"."Now then, now then young man". Sitting in a ridiculously large crappy chair. Wearing bling. Smoking a cigar. And looking like a f*cking weirdo in every single picture ever taken of him. What the hell was he talented at? And why was he paid so much?

Rant over.


Skyfall is the third Bond film I have reviewed on my blog... how time flies! And of course it is the third Bond film to star Daniel Craig - who I still believe is the best Bond since Sean Connery. The film looks like it will be the most successful so far in the series.

To be honest I think I prefered Casino Royale. The main reason being I didn't like Javier Bardem as the completely ridiculous villain. The previous two films are sort of grounded in our reality and feel more believable. Skyfall shares elements with its predecessors but seems wrong in having an "old school" style over the top and camp baddie. Having said that the acting is pretty top notch and we do get to see some of Bond's family background and what makes him tick. "M" plays a much bigger part this time around (in fact she is pivotal) and although I dislike "Dame" Judy Dench with her piggy eyes and unsmiling face she puts in a great performance.

There are a lot of nods to earlier films (being the 50th anniversary it was inevitable) with a tongue in cheek reference to the ejector seat in Bond's DB5 (see above).

All in all an enjoyable film but I don't think it is the best - which is what a lot of people are saying. One thing is for sure though and that is: James Bond will return.

Rating: 7.5/10

The Kindle... pointless gadget

Is there really any point to a Kindle? You can store thousands of books on it... but how many people actually do? Not that many I bet. No... I reckon the main reasons for their success are that people want to show off in public and they are any easy Christmas or birthday present idea."hmmm... what shall I buy Fred for Christmas. I know a Kindle!" It's a new trendy gizmo that people want to be seen clutching.

Rant over

Gas and electricity rip off merchants

So EDF Energy have announced gas and electricity price increases of 10.6% coming into effect during December... that's good of them. Why? Because the cost of gas on the wholesale market has gone up? Yeah right... pull the other one. With profits of £1.6 billion it means they are greedy f*cks who don't give a sh*t and are running a cartel with the other "big 5". It is a licence to print money. Disgusting!

Rant over.

Finger lickin' stupid

Why is it KFC only employ retarded imbeciles? I swear that every other visit we make to one of their dreary establishments they f*ck up the order. "3 piece Colonel's meal please?" Get it home...  2 pieces. Forget to include the coleslaw. Ignore your request for wings. For f*cks sake a monkey could do better!

Rant over.

Give Peas a Chance

Whoever painted this slogan on a railway bridge over the M25 was a genius... and very brave! It has been there for years and whenever you see it - you can't help but smile.


Off The Cuff Rant No.19

And another thing that I find deeply annoying is that whenever I get into the driver's seat of my car and look down - there is always, always, always a leaf on the floor. Doesn't matter what time of year it is or wherever I am... a bloody great leaf is always transferred from the sole of my shoe into the car.

Rant over.

48 hour deodorant...

What's all that about? Deodorant that lasts for two days??! Is it for people who only have a wash every other day?


Teaser Poster for The Hobbit

I'm really looking forward to the new Hobbit Trilogy so felt I had to publish the latest teaser poster for the film showing all the dwarves. Looks great... however... why is the second dwarf at the top the only one not to have prosthetics - stands out like a sore thumb! And... Richard Armitage who plays Thorin Oakenshield (slap bang in the middle) looks like Gowron the Klingon baddie from Star Trek.

Dredd 3D

For over 20 years I collected 2000AD and Judge Dredd: The Megazine... and after the debacle of Stallone's Judge Dredd I didn't think there would be another chance for a big screen adaptation.

Well... how wrong was I.

Dredd 3D is excellent. An 18 cert made sure we would get an ultra violent hardcore SF spectacular. Okay the vehicles looked a bit 20th century and the look of Mega City One was not as good as the 1995 film. But the rest of the film was absolutely spot on. Karl Urban captures perfectly the character of Dredd and sensibly never takes off his helmet. Likewise the girl who plays his rookie, Anderson puts in a great performance. The plot is simple and direct and totally brutal.

I really hope the film is successful enough to spawn a sequel... and of course a sequel should include Judge Death.

Rating: 8/10

Off The Cuff Rant No.18

I'll tell you something else that bloody well winds me up... and that is these pestering claims companies that bombard you with phone calls, text messages and emails trying to entice you to use them to claim on your behalf any compensation for payment protection deals that you may have been missold.

What's the soddin' point when you can claim directly and for free?

Rant over.

Elderly People Crossing

Most days I drive past one of these signs and it struck me how convenient it is that the elderly people are in a stooping position so as they can fit on the triangular background.


Good grief...

Just been watching Celebrity Big Brother which has just evicted Julie Goodyear who was known for playing Bet Lynch in Corrie... and that's it.

What a monstrosity!

Rant over.


UNBELIEVABLE... That smirking f*cker Jeremy Hunt, who should have been sacked for his biased  and inappropriately friendly involvement with the Murdochs and the Sky deal has instead been promoted from being culture secretary to health minister.

Let's reward all those who are bent shall we? What the f*ck is Cameron thinking?... and couldn't you just smash his face in??

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.17

You can always tell when there is going to be a car crash in a TV programme... especially if it is a soap or a show like Casualty because they always use old cars. For instance in tonights episode of Corrie, Tommy Duckworth ended up crashing his pizza delivery van - which just happened to be a painted up "S" reg Polo... they wouldn't use a "61" or a "12" reg would they?


Off The Cuff Rant No.16

When the series Lost was first shown some years back on Ch4 I loved it. It gripped me week after week with its peculiar plotlines and interesting characters and it made me wonder what was going to happen next and more importantly how it would conclude.

Of course we now know many of those plotlines were left in mid-air and the whole thing ended up with a highly unsatisfactory conclusion.

Now we have a whole raft of series following the same pattern. Set up a head turning wacko "what's going on?" type story... run for maybe one or two series (if your lucky) and then scrap it because it's audience figures have collapsed.

And guess who is usually behind these programmes? The highly overrated JJ Abrams.

I honestly don't know how the bloke gets away with it!

Rant over.

"Why do women hate me for being beautiful?"

So says journalist Samantha Brick, who has written one notorious article in the Daily Mail and is currently appearing in Celebrity Big Brother... wellll...

You're not... you're f*cking ugly!

Rant over.

Salt'n vinegar?

Every so often when I pop over to see my mum I'll buy her fish and chips from the local chippy... and everytime they ask (no matter who is serving) "Would you like salt and vinegar?" And everytime I respond "Yes please!" they then scoop up a load of chips and plonk the fish on top and ask "Did you say you wanted salt and vinegar?"... even though they had asked mere seconds ago. This happens every single f*cking time I place an order - without exception! How difficult is it?

Rant over.

Eight-legged freak...

Just bloody typical isn't it? You go to bed and as it is about 30 degrees you leave the covers off, you lie back and glance at the ceiling... only to notice a bloody great spider directly above you staring down from its upsidedown perch. So what do you do? Go and clobber it with your wife's slipper... of course not because the b*st*rd thing will drop down on the bed and disappear.

Nope... all you can do is hope it will bugger off of its own accord or hope you don't feel something drop on your face when its dark.

Rant over.

Beep... beep... beeeeeep!

And... another thing that I find really irritating is the beeping sound our microwave oven makes when it reaches the end of its cooking time. It's as if the f*cker who designed it specifically selected the exact frequency that skewers your cerebal cortex. And then to make matters even worse it repeats itself every 30 seconds until you open the f*cking door! B*st*rd thing.

Rant over.

Lock the damn thing...

Why is it in films or TV programmes whenever someone gets out of a car they just slam the door shut and do not bother to lock it. All they need to do is show the lights flash to add a bit of realism... but no... just leave the vehicle unlocked.
It's the same with convertibles, just leave the roof down and walk away.

Would you do that in real life?... No you wouldn't!

Rant over.

Name someone from Bahrain

I see Bahrain had two entrants in the women's 5000 metres... except they were actually from Ethiopa! Has an actual native from Bahrain ever done anything apart from write a cheque and get some other f*cker to do it for them? Utterly ridiculous... same as the UAE. Contribution to the world = a big fat zero.

Rant over.


Just been watching the women's 100m sprint final and couldn't help noticing all the double-barrelled names. What's all that about? Sanya Ross-Richards? Somebody Fraser-Price, Ujamaflip Campbell-Brown.

I suppose it was the legendary FloJo (Florence Griffiths-Joyner) who spawned all this. It clearly seems to be a prerequisite to success... either that or they're all copying one another. Retards.

Rant over.

Fifty Shades of Sh*te

I find it incredible how this book has become so successful because the quality of the writing is sh*t of the highest order. Alright... I'll admit I've only skimmed through it and that has been to hunt out the shagging scenes which are quite numerous and actually quite boring and poorly described.

However what really grates on me (and this goes for any novel) is the way the writer drops in product names... eg."She pulled on her Calvin Kleins and a pair of Converses" or "He slid into the driving seat of his BMW 328i M Sport. Why the hell do you need to specify the exact model or make of anything? Rubbish. And in the case of Fifty Shades it has made E L James exceptionally wealthy.

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.15

Usain Bolt is a pretty nifty and highly appropriate name. Yohan Blake is a bit daft when it comes to the spelling but it does roll off the tongue. Tyson Gay however is simply f*cking ridiculous. Why on earth would you keep such a stupid contradictory name? Retard.

Rant over.

I'm pleased to say I was wrong...

Six gold medals in one day - that was simply incredible. Jessica Ennis, Greg Rutherford, Mo Farah and all the others... YOU WERE ALL ABSOLUTELY BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!

Wiggo is God!

The Hammond Rants salutes Bradley Wiggins!!!

Lack of medals...

I can't help thinking it is highly unlikely that Team GB is going to achieve anything like it's previous Olympic medal tally. You can sense a slight degree of panic in the reporting.

When anyone is interviewed (for instance former double gold medallist Rebecca Adlington) and they say they were happy with their performance and result you can't help thinking "lying toad... you're gutted!"

Rant over.

The Dark Knight Rises

I can't believe four years have elapsed since The Dark Knight was released to worldwide acclaim... and I think everyone was expecting this film to be at least equal if not superior to it's predecessor. And to my mind it isn't. Where I feel it goes wrong is mainly in the latter stages. The film jumps along too quickly and you are left thinking "how did that person get from A to B so fast?" and "how did he recover so rapidly?"

For me those things spoilt a well made film. The acting is very good all round and Ann Hathaway surprised me as being an exceptional Catwoman (although she is never referred to as Catwoman). Christian Bale turns in another great performance as Batman but it is Tom Hardy as the frightening Bane who shines however I did struggle to hear what he was saying at times as his voice is muffled thanks to the mask he wears over his mouth.

I suppose when I think about it more I was disappointed with the film but that was probably due to how incredible the second film was (especially Heath Ledger). At least The Dark Knight Rises has a conclusion which will mean the next Batman movie will be a reboot or re-imagining with a new cast and director.

Rating: 7.5/10

Did you really Fearne?

I've ranted before about this vapid non-entity... but I can't help mention a reference she made on the radio today. She made a casual comment about not being able to get some tune out of her head - even after 10 minutes in to watching The Dark Knight Rises the previous night. Which of course meant she was at the film's premiere... because it isn't out on release yet.

Look at me... it's all about me... I'm soooo wonderful and sooooo famous.


Rant over.


Wasn't this useless G4S outfit the same useless outfit that used to lose prisoners that were being transported to prison some years back... except they were called simply Group 4 then?

Pocketing hundreds of millions in taxpayers money and f*cking it up completely all the time seems to be this useless company's speciality and yet still they are handed plum public sector contracts. What I would also like to know is what is going to happen to the f*ckwit that awarded this contract to them and how exactly they came to such a colossal figure?

Rant over.

"Banking Inquiry A 'Total Joke', Says MP Excluded From Committee"

"The parliamentary committee set up to investigate the Barclays Libor rate-fixing scandal has been described as a "total joke" by a Labour MP who has unexpectedly been left off its membership.
John Mann, who has made a name for himself for his combative questioning of bankers while grilling them at the Treasury committee, said it was clear he was "too outspoken" to be included." -- The Huffington Post

The bit I thought was brilliant was an earlier exchange John Mann had with Diamond Bob...

"In characteristically bold exchanges at the Treasury committee last week, Mann offered to tattoo Barclays' founding principles of "honesty, integrity and plain dealing" on Diamond's knuckles lest he forget them.
"Either you were complicit in what was going on, or you were grossly negligent, or you were grossly incompetent. That is the only conclusion," he told the banker." -- The Huffington Post


Ridiculous photos of people looking at computers

How many times have you seen the sort of photo on the right appearing on a website?... What is all that about?? You see them all over the place - grinning retards in an office looking at a computer screen (ironically you can never see what they are looking at).

And the other thing is you are supposed to believe these bozos are employees of the company in question (rather than out of work actors / models).

On a similar theme have you noticed similar photos on credit card websites? Why the f*ck would anyone be grinning with their partner / spouse at a screen displaying their credit card balance?!!


Rant over.

Olympic bonuses... again!

So let me get this right... train drivers who work for First Great Western including those staff who work in the west country and Wales are demanding a bonus of between £400 and £900 for working during the Olympic Games in LONDON.

Personally I would sack every last f*cking one of them if they went on strike. This is extreme p*ss taking.

And of course guess which scumbag b*st*rd is behind all this? Yes... good old Bob Crowe. He must have so many enemies its a wonder no one has hired a hitman!

Rant over.

You're a diamond... Bob

How on earth can this tw*t believe it is acceptable not to resign. He is the overall boss of the bank and prior to that he was in charge of the greedy f*cking b*st*rds at Barclays Capital at the exact same time they were fixing the rates to line their own pockets.

Every single one of these moneygrabbing scumbags should have the book thrown at them and be sent down for a very long time!!

Rant over.

More Olympic tickets...

Ages ago tickets went on sale for the London Olympics. It was recommended on the website that people should apply for several events to give them a good chance of seeing one of them. A huge number of people did just that and a huge number of people received dick all. People were angry. People still are angry. We were told there were many more applications than available tickets.

And then they tell us a load more tickets have become available! Where the f*ck have they come from? Why weren't they available first time around?

It will be interesting to see if there are any empty seats in the stadium!

Rant over.

Forever England

I didn't watch any of the England games during Euro 2012. But one thing that was very plain to me was that for once the majority of people thought they had little chance of progressing far in the competition.

After three matches and qualifying for the quarter finals, the delusions of grandeur kicked in and the obligatory comments of "Maybe England can go all the way" were uttered - only to be smashed to pieces by a far superior Italy.

This leads me to the questions: Why are England generally mediocre? Why can't we pass the ball competently? Why are the England players paid colossal salaries (by their clubs) along with top players from other countries and perform so badly for the national team? It doesn't make sense. Maybe they should take pay cuts... yeah right... and pigs might fly!!

Rant over.

Bank downgrades

If you were on the board of directors of one of the UK banks that has had its credit rating downgraded... wouldn't you feel like hiring a hitman to shoot the f*ckers at Moodys?

What I want to know is... Is there a mathematical equation for making these downgrade decisions? And if so... what is it? Seems very unsatisfactory to me!

Rant over.

Tax avoiding b*st*rds

I don't like Jimmy Carr. He is unfunny and smug... and now the f*cker has been revealed to be involved heavily in tax avoidance. And how ironic? After being awarded an OBE the arselicking Gary Barlow has also been caught out using a scheme to avoid paying tax. Embarrassing eh... Gazza?

Whilst the rest of us pay through the nose certain very wealthy people like those two believe they should pay very little.

Rant over.

Green and pleasant land

I don't know about you... but I can't say I was particularly impressed with the naf model of the Olympic opening ceremony they showed everyone on the news the other night. It looked like someone had knocked it up the previous afternoon - I've seen far better kids toys! And what was with the Subbuteo cricket players? I'm sorry Mr Boyle but this looks b*ll*cks.

Rant over.

"Sir" Paul McCartney

After enduring "Sir" Tom "Welsh f*cker" Jones, "Sir" Elton "vile poof" John, "Sir" Cliff "weird saddo" Richard the jubilee concert concluded with "Sir" Paul "plastic face weirdo" McCartney... who simply trawled through an ancient medley of songs including the never ending Let It Be.

But what horrifys me is that McCartney has been asked to perform the finale at the Olympic opening ceremony!

I wonder what songs he will perform?

Rant over.

Jeremy Hunt... smirking b*st*ard

Why is it whenever you switch over to the news, you are confronted with that smirking, in the pocket of the Murdoch's, b*st*rd - Jeremy Hunt. It's always a camera shot of him coming out of his front door with a grin on his face without a care in the world (no doubt the tosser is really sh*tting himself because he has been caught out) and he is either going for a run or out on his bike.

Q. Would you trust this prick?

A. No you wouldn't.

Sack the f*cker.

Rant over.

"Can Facebook fall any further? More woe for Zuckerberg as experts say 'there's no bottom' to how far shares could plunge"

"Facebook has suffered a serious blow to its glittering reputation when its share price slumped by more than 10 per cent in just two days of trading since the firm's landmark IPO last Friday.
And the pain could continue for the social network, as many analysts predict its value will continue to fall in the wake of the much-hyped but shambolic initial public offering of 421m shares.
It means Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, who made $19bn on Friday has since lost $2.055bn in the three days since.
One market expert even said there was 'no reason' to invest in the company, claiming that jumping on the Facebook bandwagon would be like 'catching a falling knife' - and that there would be 'no bottom' for the shares." -- Daily Mail website

My heart bleeds for him... what a shame. Arrogant f*ck. Social network sites existed before Facebook and loads of them have folded (probably because of Facebook). It will be interesting to see if their shares continue to fall... and if they do it will serve him right. Apparently they have a very complex way of avoiding paying tax too!

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No. 15

And another thing that really hacks me off is when I'm about to do the washing up... I begin to fill the bowl with water, squirt some Fairy Liquid and chuck some crockery and cutlery into it. Except of course there is always a spoon or a dish that is concave side up which gets caught directly in the jet of water from the tap and sprays me all down the front... every bloody time!

Rant over.

"Thank heaven for little girls..."

Now don't get me wrong I don't personally have anything against the late Maurice Chevalier... but what the f*ck were HSBC thinking when they used Thank Heaven for Little Girls in their latest TV ad? Chevalier sounds like a pervy frog paedo... the whole shebang sounds wrong on so many levels. Retards.

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.14

Why do London's bus drivers think they deserve a hefty bonus for doing their jobs during the Olympics? Well we know the real reason is that they don't want to be left out when they can see the tube driving scum are being paid extra. But what exactly will they be doing that is "extra"? Sitting in a traffic jam with a full bus... the same as everyday. So why a bonus? Retards.

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.13

I'll tell you what really wound me up the other day... a radio advert by Thames Water that warned people that hose pipe restrictions were still in place and even though it has p*ssed down every day for the last six weeks we are still in a drought situation and we must conserve water. Patronising f*ckers! No!! Why don't they reduce the number of leaking pipes and build more reservoirs or does that mean them investing money rather than paying themselves big fat bonuses.

Rant over.

Tony Travers...?

What is it with BBC London News?... It seems that every day, whatever the news article or subject - they wheel out the f*cker in the photo: "Professor" Tony Travers from the London School of Economics - and get the b*st*rd to comment. What is he? Resident expert on everything?? TWAT.

Rant over.

The Avengers...

or to give it's daft UK title Marvel's Avengers Assemble, presumably decided upon so as not to confuse the British public with the 60s TV series of the same title.

I have been waiting to see this film for ages... well ever since the first Iron Man film was released four or five years ago. Everything has been leading up to this movie. Both Iron Man films, The Incredible Hulk, Thor and Captain America. Each with an end credit epilogue scene designed to whet the appetite ready for The Avengers.

Well this film certainly delivers. I thought Robert Downey Jr would over dominate the proceedings - but in fact he doesn't. All the main characters have time devoted to them and everyone's motivations are put across well. I loved the way Steve Rogers eases himself in to be leader but not without having to bicker with Tony Stark en route.

I am not going to explain the plot (not that there is much of a plot) but I did love the humour. Especially humour involving the Hulk and the most laugh out loud moment is a scene where he beats up Loki and growls "Puny god". Tom Hiddleston who portrays Loki is superb and is probably the best character in the whole film. He exudes evil but you do feel sympathy for him. Very impressive!

Of course as with the other Marvel films you must stay for the end credit epilogue which reveals that Thanos is likely to be the villain in  The Avengers 2.

If you haven't seen it already I urge you to take a trip to the cinema... NOW!

Rating: 8.75/10

PS. on a separate note I would like to announce that this my 1,000th posting to The Hammond Rants

Cape Town VII - Part 3

This year we celebrated our wedding anniversary by dining at Sevruga which is situated on The Waterfront. N had calamari as a starter followed by steak for her main and a chocolate fondant for dessert whereas I scoffed down risotto cheese balls for starters, de-boned ribs for main and cheese cake for dessert. The restaurant whilst serving excellent food was still inferior to The One & Only where we have dined for the previous two years.

Whilst we were polishing off our desserts we observed a couple on a neighbouring table who couldn't pay their bill. It looked like his credit card wouldn't work. Seemed very odd to me and the restaurant manager was there talking to them for ages before we overheard the man saying he would contact the bank the following day.

To be continued.

The Hunger Games

I started off being impressed with The Hunger Games which did have an intriguing beginning - however as the story progressed I found it gradually turned into The Running Man spliced with Battle Royale (which were heavily plagiarised by the author).

Having said all that I thought the acting was pretty top notch and you do come away rooting for the heroine. It could have ended more on a downer but clearly two or three sequels are intended judging from what I've read about the books.

The only thing that did occur to me about the whole concept was why do the "rich" from The Capitol bother watching a TV programme so avidly about the "teenage peasants" running around a wood killing each other... but maybe I'm a bit of a nitpicker.

Anyway... I would certainly recommend seeing it and I'll probably go and see any further parts to the saga.

Right all I have to do is skim a few ideas other people have come up with... copy them and make a mint!

Rating: 8/10

Cape Town VII - Part 2

Easter Sunday entailed a visit to church where it was announced that our twin daughters were to be christened the following weekend. After the service we headed back to the B's for lunch which consisted of an excellent crayfish curry amongst other things.

After pigging out for a couple of hours we had a shortbreak before heading off for afternoon tea at The One and Only. I must admit by then I was completely stuffed and could only manage a dozen or so cakes washed down by about forty seven cups of tea!

Needless to say... I skipped dinner that evening.

To be continued...

Cape Town VII - Part 1

Saturday, 7th April we arrived in a very wet Cape Town. With the twins accompanying us for the first time we of course had to fly direct by British Airways. The thought of taking our 3 month old children indirect via Dubai was a definite no-no!

We travelled by taxi to Heathrow, leaving the child seats with the driver ready for when he would come to pick us up on our return. Our first irritation was trying to get through security as in our hand luggage we had baby milk in cartons. The tossers would not let us take it through unless I tasted 50% of what we were carrying, which meant we had to open 4 cartons for me to convince them it wasn't poison! I really cannot understand the point of this ruling... little Hitler jobsworth f*ckers!

At last we cleared security and took a row of seats in departures. We fed the twins and it was whilst we were sorting ourselves out a typically large group of Japanese tourists came wandering through and took up residence around us. One Jap woman actually stood by us staring at the girls for a good twenty minutes... talk about disconcerting! I was getting to the point where I wanted to tell her to go away and stare at someone else.

The flight went far better than I expected with both babies sleeping quietly in their cots in front of us. The prat sitting next to me was clearly p*ssed off at the thought of sitting near to two babies and I suspect as he was a lanky f*cker he was expecting to have a nice bit of legroom.

During the flight I watched only one movie which was Immortals... I had remembered this film when it came out at the cinema and was one on my backburner list. It starred Henry Cavill (the new Superman in the forthcoming Man of Steel) and Mickey Rourke... and was utter shite. I couldn't really tell you what was going on. Rating: 4/10)
The B's and N's mom met us at the airport and swiftly transported us back home in the pouring rain. This year we were borrowing CB's car and renting him one in exchange so as he could get to work... making it considerably cheaper for us. We didn't need to pick up the hire car therefore until after the weekend.

After we arrived, N went to the hairdressers during the afternoon whilst I "relaxed" with the twins. Dinner that evening was at my mother-in-law's. And sooo... to bed!

To be continued...

Pointless Pandas...

"Britain's only pandas have run out of time to mate as their limited breeding season drew to a close.
Tian Tian and Yang Guang had a window of just 36 hours to mate and despite "natural sparks" flying between them, the pair did not do the deed.
Keepers at Edinburgh Zoo hoped for one final chance to put them together on Thursday but test results late Wednesday night showed a drop in the female bear's hormone levels" -- MSN website

When you think about it, Pandas are the most f*cking useless creatures on the Earth. They really don't do themselves any favours do they? They're fussy eaters and fussy shaggers. No wonder the bloody things are practically extinct.

Rant over.