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And up your's too!

Phones 4U

What the hell is all this about... "Phones... 4... U" gesticulated by a particularly smug yank whose mate is a longhaired halfwit who simply says "Yeah... Yeah!!!" I know we will drive a dune buggy towing a large sign. Or... we have some repulsive fat bloke on a boat whose hand comes off and is left gripping the helm cackling to himself whilst the smug yank goes on about the latest Samsung... Total shite!

Rant over.


What gets my goat is that idiot that does the voice over for forthcoming programmes on Channel 4 and E4. Bit like a thirdrate Tom Baker. Completely unfunny and gives me the urge to ram is stupid head down the bog!!! E-Fffffffffoooooooooooouuurrrrrrr phwoaaaaarrrr!!!!!!...... Prat.

Rant over.

Laughing all the way to the bank

Big Brother & Davina McCall

It's that time of year again when that utter sh*te drivel known as Big Brother starts again... mind you I expect I will end up watching bits of it. How the hell does the supremely talentless Davina McCall manage to get paid millions to present it? Again you have to ask yourself what does this smug b*tch actually do? Bugger all is the answer...

Rant over.


I avidly watched the last two episodes of Lost Series 3 last night... what can I say... simply brilliant. Looking forward to Series 4, which isn't on until next year unfortunately.

Home Sellers Packs

I'm glad to see these things have been delayed... not because I'm intending to sell our house but because there are a couple of really arrogant digital printers who have entirely geared themselves up to produce these reports and have been smugly predicting their sales turnovers were going to go through the roof. Thanks to Ruth Kelly they aren't anymore!!! Ha ha ha!!! Tossers!!!

Rant over.

Past its sell by date

So Sainsbury's and Tesco's are both caught out with flogging food products that are past their sell by dates... I watched a bit of Whistleblower last night on BBC1 and was astonished but not surprised by their findings. Not surprised because these huge supermarket chains are so incredibly arrogant and they hold their customers in complete contempt... but I was astonished that their arrogance extended to not even coming on the programme to apologise. I know I'm a hypocrite because we do buy things from Tesco's... maybe we should go elsewhere. Their success is based on the public's apathy. Very depressing.

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Zoe Slater is The Bionic Woman

This is utterly unbelievable... the utter sh*te actress Michelle Ryan who used to be in East Enders as Zoe Slater plays the new Jaime Sommers in "The Bionic Woman". It must be really galling to be an actor when you see people like her, whose acting ability is non-existent getting parts like this. So clearly she junked East Enders and has made it in Hollywood. Oh good grief!

Rant over.

No. 2 - Roman Abramovich

At long last the Hate List returns... and in at No. 2 is that lovely Russian crook who owns Chelsea FC.

The following was taken from Wikipedia:

"Abramovich started his commercial activity in the late 1980s when Soviet president Mikhail Gorbachev's reforms permitted the opening of small private businesses, known as co-operatives. In 1992 to 1995 Abramovich founded five companies that conducted resale and acted as intermediaries, eventually specializing in the trading of oil and oil products. In 1995 Roman Abramovich, together with Boris Berezovsky, acquired the controlling interest in the large oil company Sibneft. The deal was within the controversial Loans-for-shares program and cost the partners $100m, although the real cost of the company was in billions of dollars [3].
During the 1990s, through their holding company Millhouse Capital, Abramovich and his business partner Eugene Shvidler acquired significant stakes in Russia's largest air company Aeroflot and the aluminium giant Rusal, as well as in smaller companies in the automobile industry, pharmaceuticals, food processing, real estate and other sectors. Most of those assets were sold for hefty profits in 2002-2005. Most notably, Millhouse Capital sold its stake in Sibneft to state energy giant Gazprom for 13 billion dollars, and its stake in Rusal to Oleg Deripaska for 2 billion dollars.
In 2004, Swiss criminal investigators abandoned an investigation into an alleged fraud involving a $4.8 billion loan from the IMF to Russia, in which Abramovich was one of the investigators' key suspects, after the United States and Russia refused to divulge information on the scandal; Laurent Kasper-Ansermet, the magistrate in charge of the Swiss investigation, was also beaten unconscious while visiting St Petersburg.[4]
In 2005, France commenced money laundering investigations into companies linked to Abramovich, following an earlier investigation by Tracfin, an agency of the French Finance Ministry.[5]
He was named the second-wealthiest person in the UK in the Sunday Times Rich List 2006, with an estimated fortune of £10.8 billion."

Really takes a genius to become a billionaire when you manage to purchase a multi-billion pound company for £100 million. This b*stard is an out and out criminal - should be properly investigated and deported back to Russia to stand trial for robbing the Russian taxpayer.

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Gordon Ramsey

What a tosser!

Rant over.

British Academy Television Awards

Full of talentless non-entities...

Rant over.

Chasing Cars and Magic FM

I swear that this most rubbish of radio stations has a record selection of about 15. Everytime you tune in it is playing the same song you heard when you tuned in the last time. ABBA, Beach Boys, Beverley Craven (who's she?) and "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol.

Talking of Snow Patrol, have you noticed how "Chasing Cars" seems to be incorporated into American TV series such as Grey's Anatomy and ER. Everytime there is a musical interlude where they show you all the poignant bits that the main characters are up to they are playing "Chasing Cars"... and why is it called "Chasing Cars"??? Is it about dogs or something?

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Any Dream Will Do

I caught a fair old chunk of this programme on Saturday evening (it follows Doctor Who) and I wondered to myself... who the hell is Denise Van Outen to criticise the blokes who are applying for the job of Joseph. As far as I'm aware all she has done in musicals is be in Chicago for a short while (mind you just about every 3rd rate talentless moron has been in that musical - that prat Darius for instance). Anyway what else has Denise Van Outen done over the last couple of years? I seem to remember she was in a shortlived programme with the equally talentless Johnny Vaughn that was scrapped very quickly for being totally crap.

Rant over.


Llandudno Beach

Evolution of the Best Man

At Boulder's Beach

Cape Town II - The Wedding (Part 10)

Our wedding night was spent at a very flash hotel in Claremont... mind you it took our chauffeur a few minutes to actually find it!

The next two days passed quickly. A trip to Kirstenbosch Gardens and an excellent meal at Pigalle were the highlights. We saw T off at the airport and it wasn't long until my Mum and I were making the same journey back to Cape Town International and then homeward bound back to the UK (N would be leaving the next day). I watched Rocky Balboa on the plane (very good end to the series) and apart from a very annoying and obnoxious American who kept his seat reclined deliberately, the flight was uneventful.

The next day I returned to Heathrow to pick up my wife!

Coming soon Cape Town III...

The Dramatic Pose

The Wedding DVD

I was dreading this moment... finally getting to watch our wedding DVD. I must admit I had been sceptical at the outset about having a wedding video, but after biting the bullet and having it done I don't regret that we made the decision. In fact we were both very impressed... although I hid upstairs when it came to my speech and N fastforwarded hers! I would heartily recommend to anyone who is going to get married to have a video done.

Cape Town II - The Wedding (Part 9)

id you know that the only other place in the world to have a cable-car that is pulled uphill by a cable concealed in the roadway – apart from San Francisco - is Llandudno. Llandudno, North Wales that is… which is in no way like Llandudno in South Africa, where we had the last of our photographs taken. We had quite a few bemused spectators as we walked across the sand towards the sea. One little girl came up to us and exclaimed how beautiful N looked and that she loved her dress. I must admit I did feel a bit self concious during the shoot but I think it was well worth it. Later we discovered that our photographer had used our photos in a show to advertise his services!

To be continued…

Cape Town II - The Wedding (Part 8)

Snoek pate for starters followed by an excellent buffet – in fact I reckon that was the best food I have ever eaten at a wedding. Between courses came the speeches – firstly N’s mom, followed by me, then N and finally T (see earlier posts for my speech and T’s speech). I must admit I was beginning to feel nervous the closer it got to my turn… however I needn’t of worried as everyone sat attentively and laughed in all the right places. I felt much more relaxed afterwards! More photographs were taken of N and I with all our guests.

Once all the food had been eaten and all the drink had been drunk and the cake had been cut and distributed, N and I left the venue to go to Llandudno beach for the last of our photographs.

To be continued…

Interlude - Spiderman 3 Review

I caught Spiderman 3 last Saturday at the Hatfield Galeria Odeon... welllllll... it's okay, but the plotlines are way too contrived. Too many villains spoil the broth and not much time is given to flesh any of them out. The whole thing just doesn't hang together when you stop to think about it. The action scenes however are excellent and the New Goblin's glider is much slicker than the old one. I think a lot more could have been done. Don't get me wrong there are some nice touches and the film does entertain... it just could have been better!

Rating: 7/10

The Drapery

The Best Man's Speech

"Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen... Thank you for your speech. Not sure I can follow that but I'll try!

I would like to start my speech by saying how honoured I am that Mark has asked me to be his best man. It's a bit nerve wracking to be honest but an honour... thanks Mark for putting me in this position.

I think I speak for everyone when I say what a lovely ceremony we have just seen. I think N looks very beautiful today, closely followed by the lovely Mle her bridesmaid. I'd also like to mention (little) c, The Ring Bearer who looks great. I thought she bore the rings very well.

I would like to echo what Mark has already said at this point and say how lucky I feel to have been invited to your country to take part in today's events.

Myself and Mark's mum have been well looked after and been made to feel welcome. For this I'd like to thank - N, N's mom, G, L and C for the meals they have cooked and the lifts they have given us and the events they have arranged for us.

I'd also like to thank - J, Msa, Mo and Na for giving us a great day out and showing us around the Cape and Simons Town.

Myself and Mark aren't normally this colour, pink, but it's a result of that day out as it was very hot. We are very English and we do burn and we forgot.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is T and I live close to Mark in England. I'm sorry about my English accent... it's the only accent I've got so if you can't understand me - I would appreciate it if you could just keep quiet and pretend that you do!

As I say, I live close to the H's and I've known Mark for about 28 years, although of course it feels a lot longer. We went to the same school together and after we left we kept in touch. We generally kept in touch by meeting in the pub 3 or 4 times a week. Our friendship wasn't entirely based around beer though. We did go through a 4 year period when we went to the gym 3 or 4 times a week. I'm sure you can tell just by looking at Mark that we've given up the gym - Still drinks the beer though!

I was going to ask you to stand up Mark and show everyone but I'm sure they will look later.

As I say, I've known Mark for 28 years and it struck me as I was trying to write this speech that I could highlight a couple of behaviours which I've noticed in Mark which may help N... warnings if you like!

The first area is cooking. For as long as I remember it's been a running joke with our friends that Mark is the worst cook ever been born or yet to be born. He can't boil an egg. I always thought this was funny but probably exaggerated -- It's not!

The other day I was chatting to N and I asked - how is Mark cooking. She turned to me and said - he can turn the oven on. That is the extent of Mark's cooking skills it seems... which is no good for a 39 year old man, I think you'll all agree.

My advice here N is to sign him up for some cookery lessons - I'm sure he'd enjoy it!

Maybe putting a lock on the kitchen door may help as well - lock him in - that's what I say!

The second area that I'd like to talk about concerns Mark's bedroom habits (not a nice thought is it?) I've slept with Mark on many occasions. Not in the biblical sense of course - but when we've been on group holidays and had to share rooms.

Mark, I'm afraid is notorious for his snoring... it has become legendary amongst our group of friends. Probably amongst the hotels we have stayed in as well. Maybe even the campsites. Over the years various methods have been tried to stop the horrible noise. One friend tried throwing chocolates at him in the hope this may make him turn over. It didn't work and he just woke up in a bed of melted chocolate. He must have wondered what had happened!

Another method was tried when a friend switched the light on and off quickly in the hope it may make him turn over. That didn't work either. In fact there is no technique that's been found to work - Not letting him sleep?

I don't know what to suggest to you N... I think you're on your own with this one! Get a bed put in the spare room maybe - or have the bed put in the garage and move the garage to a different town.

Anyway I could go on telling you stories about Mark for hours but I think you would get bored and most of them I can't tell as there are ladies present.

There is one last thing for me to do though... so if everyone has a full glass.

(Lift glass)

I'd like to propose a toast to Mark and N.

We would all like to wish you the very best for your future together.

The new Mr and Mrs H

M & N

The Aftermath

Husband and Wife

Cape Town II - The Wedding (Part 7)

And there she was... the most drop dead gorgeous girl I have ever seen!!!.... I refer of course to Little c (my niece - and the ringbearer) who was pushed along on her trike by my bestman T. Okay okay the second most drop dead gorgeous girl I have ever seen. My bride, N, walked down the aisle with her dad - halfway along I took over and we walked towards the arch where Pastor C stood waiting for us.

What I forgot to mention was the fact that clipped to my tie was a microphone which had been attached by the videographer. Now we haven't seen the DVD yet (N's mom has it and is about to post it to us) but I'm dreading it - because it contains the most excrutiating singing ever heard to man.

Apart from having to restart All Things Bright and Beautiful, forgetting to lift N's veil and Pastor C repeating himself on one bit unintentionally, everything went without a hitch! We signed the register and the photos were taken and then of course everyone went inside for the meal.

To be continued...

Cape Town II - The Wedding (Part 6)

Why is it that when an important day comes along, such as your wedding day - you inevitably end up nicking yourself shaving. Of course this is what I did... twice!

Anyway rewinding back a bit - Sunday night I slept like a log. Nothing new there then. Woke up at about 7am and strangely felt completely relaxed. Showered, got dressed and took three attempts to put my tie on satisfactorily.

At 9:30(ish) T, Mum and I were picked up by a chauffeur driven Mercedes which whisked us to the venue.... About 20 minutes later we were there and believe it or not I still felt relaxed however everyone else said I looked nervous (not to my face, I hasten to add).

Slowly but surely the guests started arriving... I recognised some of them from my earlier trip to SA but a few were unknown to me. I chatted to N's dad for a bit and after a while it was time to make our way outside as the bride was about to arrive...

To be continued...