TOWIE?

I had seen this strange acronym bandied about and never really knew what it was referring to. At the same time I was vaguely aware of a TV programme called The Only Way Is Essex. It took a bit of time for the penny to drop for me to realise they were one and the same thing.

A couple of weeks back I decided to record an episode and give it a try. Initially I thought it was a spoof documentary but then after a while I realised it was for real... I truly despair. You could have made a better show starring a collection of lobotomised chimps. There is not one brain cell amongst the lot of them. They are the epitome of the word RETARDS.

Rant over.

Garrison Keillor - the most annoying voice on TV

I have owned a Honda... a Civic Type R... a truly superb car - even if it did wear its way through tyres like there was no tomorrow. But as for the Honda TV adverts - AAAARRRRGHHHH!!! Jeezus H Christ... that bloke who does the voiceover. He has what must be the most irritating voice known to man. IT DRIVES ME INSANE!!! Utterly vile. Almost as bad as that incredibly overpaid b*stard who does the voiceover to The X Factor. Utterly detestable. Hate it.

Rant over.

Chinks don't give a sh*t

It made me laugh today reading a couple of articles about the Chinese economy. Firstly the markets went into panic mode momentarily because China's growth for the last month dropped from 9.5% to 9.1%... oooohhh! Still mega amounts more than anywhere else... and the second much more hysterical one was Bank of England supremo, Mervyn King making a statement that the Chinese must listen to the UK and import a lot more goods to balance the books. Can you honestly see the Chinks giving a monkey's fart about what the UK or any other country wants? They couldn't give a sh*t.

China is a powerhouse. It produces virtually everything the consumers of the world require... very cheaply. Because there are hardly any rules or regulations and they pay their workers f*ck all... for now!

Rant over.

Centurion

Neil Marshall, who I believe directed Dog Soldiers, The Descent and Doomsday seems to be fascinated with the same common theme. That is each film features a group of people who are on the run in a dangerous environment and as each film progresses each character gets picked off and meets a horrible death until there is just the remaining central hero (or heroine) left.

Centurion is exactly the same. A group of Roman soldiers are caught behind enemy lines (an army of vicious Pict barbarians in this case) and the survivors have to fight their way back to freedom. I must admit I did doze half way through the film (well it was late on a Friday evening) but I don't think I missed anything of note. In fact because of knowing Marshall follows the same pattern I found myself simply waiting for the inevitable grisly death of each character.

Having said that the action is impressive and it looks bloody cold where ever they shot the film. There are some particularly nasty decapitations or severing of limbs throughout but ultimately the film is unsatisfying. It is mildly entertaining but it is really a case of "Could do better".

Rating: 6/10

Tesco's "Price Drop" con

It didn't in the least bit surprise me to read that Tesco has been caught out misleading it's customers by marking up items by a considerable amount for a short time... then lowering them again (but not down to the previous levels) and calling it a "price drop". Cynical is what it is... lets hoodwink the public and rip them off! Ar*seh*les.

Rant over.

"Owl curry, adder with butter and stir-fried craneflies! Meet the man who has survived on a diet of ROADKILL for 30 years"

"Rat stir fries and owl curries hardly sound like the stuff you would serve your friends for dinner. But surprisingly, Jonathan McGowan's exotic roadkill dishes are a big hit with his guests. The 44-year-old bachelor has lived on a diet of roadkill for the past 30 years to avoid buying meat from the supermarket. He has shunned pre-packaged meats and instead dined on mice, moles, hedgehogs, pigeons, crows and gulls.


The taxidermist from Bournemouth, Dorset, never kills the animals himself but eats only what he finds at the roadside or in woodland. Mr McGowan first got a taste for roadkill at the age of 14 when he cooked a dead adder that he had found.


He said: 'The adder didn't actually taste very nice - a bit like bacon rind. But it had piqued my curiosity and I wondered what else I could eat and what it would taste like.'


After leaving sixth form college he lived alone and turned to roadkill to save some money on his weekly food bills.


He said: 'From a young age I was always interested in natural history and being brought up amongst the farming, hunting and shooting communities of the Dorset countryside meant I was right in the middle of everything.


'Everywhere I looked there were dead animals; fish that had been caught, pheasants that had been shot and animals that had been run over in the road so naturally I became drawn to nature and how it worked.


'I used to cut up dead animals to see their insides and when I did all I could see was fresh, organic meat, better than the kind I had seen in the supermarkets. So I never saw a problem with cooking and eating it.' " -- Daily Mail website

Anybody who is in to taxidermy is a sick f*ck if you ask me... come on... you have to be complete weirdo to cut up and stuff dead animals! But eating roadkill...! This bloke is one sick mother f*cker!!

Rant over.

Yeti to be proved real 'within months'

Experts at an international conference in Russia have insisted they are extremely close to proving the Abominable Snowman is real. According to Igor Burtsev, head of the International Center Of Hominology, the world is "on the brink of finding the Yeti at long last."

And the proof?


Burtsev claimed at least 30 of the hirsute monsters roam the Kemerovo area, where the conference was held. "We have good evidence of Yeti in our region," said Burtsev. "And now we have convincing details from experts elsewhere in Russia and in the US and Canada." The conference heard the testimony of one John Bindernagel, a 70-year-old Canadian Yeti-hunter, who claimed he has seen the creature for himself.

His sighting took place in Ohio in 2007, when a 6ft-tall "creature" ventured close to a resident's home. "The people in the house have seen it quite often," Bindernagel said. "They made some films that will be screened later this year." "We now know a lot of anatomical details from people's accounts," Bindernagel added. "The [Yeti's] neck is very short and very thick, the eyes deeply set, the chin is rounded, the ears are usually covered with hair, the arms are long. The foot looks human-like but is broader. Some people say they can distinguish the males from the more slender females."


More "evidence" came from 47-year-old Liliya Zenkova, a local government official, who told how, during a camping trip with her husband and friend in a remote area in Siberia, she fell asleep on her car's back seat, with the windows open.



"At 5am I felt my right hand being caressed," she revealed. "I knew it couldn't be my husband; it was so gentle with such soft hair. I looked outside and saw this creature moving slowly away. Almost two metres tall, grey hair. His head looked like it was sunk into his shoulders. I knew he wasn't human, he had on no clothes." -- MSN website

Sounds convincing to me!... I look forward to seeing the international press conference when the YETI is finally revealed!!

Weird.

Let Me In

I haven't seen the original Scandinavian film Let The Right One In... but I can certainly vouch that the Hammer remake is bloody good - with emphasis on the bloody! It stars the incredible Chloe Moretz (who played Hit Girl in Kick Ass) and this time she portrays the part of a 12 year old girl who is actually a very old vampire. She befriends a rather weedy 12 year old boy who is being bullied at school (actually the boy is too pathetic to be honest) and the two of them form a deep bond. Meanwhile Moretz's "father" who like the boy formed an emotional attachment to his vampire mistress years earlier has to explore the local area for fresh blood.

The film is full of quiet moments but what stood out for me was the acting from the two young leads. Moretz is clearly the best child actress around and she is supremely talented. The film packs an emotional punch and does conclude in a predictable but satisfactory manner. I would definitely recommend Let Me In.

Rating: 8.5/10

Steve Jobs... Saviour of The Universe

Or so you would be led to believe reading all the news reports about candlelit vigils and glowing tributes from celebrities and politicians. Now don't get me wrong it is a tragedy that Steve Jobs has died at the age of 56 and it is true he was a marketing genius and the charismatic boss of Apple but he was not some kind of godlike figure that many of his followers would have you believe. He was no Edison, Brunel or Mandela. He flogged gadgets at a massive premium that the sheeplike public wanted to be seen with... and that was it... so what!

Rant over.

"Whipps Cross Hospital staff asked to give up annual leave"

"An east London hospital has urged staff to "sacrifice" some of their annual leave or do unpaid work to save money. Whipps Cross told its 3,400 staff that the NHS trust was facing a £4.5m deficit and needed to take "extraordinary financial measures". The offer was "purely voluntary" and would be a "one-off" measure that would not affect their terms and conditions, chief executive Cathy Geddes said.


Consultants are also being asked to do extra clinical sessions." -- BBC News website

What I would like to know is whether the consultants are being asked to "sacrifice" holiday time or pay - or is this just for the likes of the nursing staff etc? Personally if it was me being asked to work for nothing I would tell Whipps Cross "management" TO GO F*CK THEMSELVES!!!

Rant over.

And I thought Tube drivers were overpaid... what about The Simpsons?

"It looks like The Simpsons could fall victim to its owner's costcutting drive.


Fox (itself owned by Rupert Murdoch's Newscorp) has seen the world's longest running TV show go from no hope cartoon to global phenomenon, with more than 100 countries tuning in to see everyone's favourite yellow family every single day -- but according to The Daily Beast, if the lead actors don't accept a 45 per cent pay cut, the plug is going to be pulled on Springfield.


The thing is, each of the lead actors, namely Dan Castellaneta (Homer), Julie Kavner (Marge), Nancy Cartwright (Bart), Yeardley Smith (Lisa) are all currently on $8 million contracts... per season." -- AOL website

$8 MILLION DOLLARS PER SEASON!!! TO READ A F*CKING SCRIPT IN A STUPID VOICE... absolutely beggars belief.

Rant over.

"Tube drivers' salaries will soar to £50,000... but they'll still work just 35 hours a week"

"Tube drivers will earn £50,000 salaries despite never working more than 35 hours a week, under a lucrative new pay deal. Some London Underground workers will receive £10,000 pay rises over four years in what unions have called 'the best offer in the public sector'. The militant Rail Maritime and Transport union has won a 5 per cent rise for its members now, with index-linked rises over the following three years. Drivers who already earn around £46,000 salaries will earn £52,300 on average. The LU's latest capitulation to the RMT means many transport workers will enjoy a 20 per cent pay hike by 2015.


Taxpayers funding the generous pay rises are already looking ahead to higher ticket prices while experiencing cuts in their own pay." -- Daily Mail website

So you are telling me that the gormless f*ck in the photo above is now set to earn £50,000 pa to hold down a f*cking handle? Why do we put up with this?? Anybody could be a tube driver... it simply makes no sense. As I've said on more than one previous occasion SACK THE F*CKING LOT OF THEM!!!

Rant over.

I thought the below was funny (taken from Stupid London blog)...

"London Underground's tube trains are among the most advanced modes of transport in the world and are very difficult to control - which is why all tube train drivers are secretly recruited from the ranks of the world's very best jet fighter test pilots. When a test pilot shows exceptional daring and promise - perhaps by flying upside-down through Wookey Hole, or doing a 'cloud skid' with no hands - they receive a secret telegram from London Underground inviting them to study at the mysterious tube train driving academy situated 25 miles below the capital's crust. If they accept, their death will be faked in an air show crash and they'll begin their gruelling nine-year studies. The subterranean students don't even get to sit in a tube train cab until they've spent a full four years examining the aerodynamic properties of earthworms, mole rats and badgers."