Jonathan Ross turned down millions...

Or so he says on the BBC news website. Apparently he was being paid £6 million pa which was pretty measely compared to what he turned down to remain at the Corporation. What a martyr you are Wossy. And guess what? He said his phone was being hacked too... Oh for f*cks sake.

Rant over.

Big Brother's Bit On The Side

Last Sunday you would have seen me on the telly on Channel 5*... sitting in the audience for an appalling episode of Celebrity Big Brother's Bit On The Side.

Myself and N were roped into doing this by MO on the proviso by me that I wouldn't have to speak on live TV answering questions from Emma Willis. I needn't have worried as the presenter turned out to be the supremely talentless Alice Levine and it turned out the whole show was a quiz programme.

We arrived at Elstree Studios at 8pm and were

escorted along with about 30 or so other members of the public to a waiting area where we were given drinks and crisps. Last years winner, Josie, turned up and was immediately mobbed by half the saddos in the room. Not only that but the attention seeking Joe Swash also made a surprise entrance as he had been next door filming Millionaire.

When we were finally lead into the studio I made sure I wasn't going to get picked on by nabbing a back row seat.

What I would like to say is that Alice Levine and Jodie Marsh wanted nothing to do with us - the studio audience. Alex Reid however was incredibly friendly and went out of his way to greet everyone of us. I was impressed. The show was on for hour and trying to act enthusiastic all the time was pretty hard... as the whole programme is utter sh*te! But it was definitely an experience to remember...

Welcome to The Garden City (Part 7)

The last day was finally upon us... and as a special treat we had breakfast at the aptly named The Breakfast Club, an establishment that N and I have dined in a number of times. I can certainly recommend the full English. Yet again there was a bit more shopping done before we finally returned home for our guests to do their last minute packing. Of course LAB had about 30kg in one of her suitcases so there was some frantic rearranging and the utilisation of a small case of N's.

Sadly it was time to leave for the airport and it was not long later that we were standing in departures by the security gate making our tearful farewells.

Coming soon... Cape Town VII

Welcome to The Garden City (Part 6)

Of course a trip to London wouldn't be complete without a visit to Harrods. I must admit I was disappointed we didn't see a Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Supersport parked on a double yellow line outside the store (that would have made my day!) but hey you can't have everything can you?

Anyway I've got ahead of myself a bit... on the Friday we travelled into London again for LAB's special day out which included... you guessed it... SHOPPING! Apart from Harrods, LAB browsed through about 50,000 different clothes shops and to be honest I was a bit numb by the end of it. After a spot of lunch in Starbucks we tubed it to Waterloo as it was Little "c" 's surprise which was a trip on The London Eye. Whilst LAB and Little "c" went for a leisurely rotation N and I sat on the grass and looked after Little "a".

Not really relishing the idea of battling the tube again with the pushchair we caught a bus instead and took the 10 minute journey back across the river to Covent Garden where we quickly located TGI Friday and had an early dinner. More shop browsing ensued before we finally took the tube back to Kings Cross and headed home.

To be continued...

Who do you think you are?

I love the way on this programme that the so called "celebrities" manage to track back a famous ancestor umpteen generations and then claim it is such an honour that they are part of that family.

For instance in tonights edition Sebastian Coe discovers that about seven generations ago one of his ancestors was Lieutenant General or some such title of New York circa 1734. The fact that going that far back probably means a few thousand other people alive today are also related to that individual seems to escape him. Tw*t.

Rant over.

Charging for digging holes in roads

I thought that was bloody typical on the news today. Some bright spark has come up with the idea of charging utility companies for digging up roads... supposedly to encourage proper co-ordination between the various companies.

Thats the answer to everything in this country... charge for it. If there is the potential to make a profit out of anything then some f*cker will charge a fee. Of course in this case the utility companies will simply pass the cost onto the customer. Terrific idea.

Rant over.

Welcome to The Garden City (Part 5)

The highlight of the week was our daytrip to Legoland Windsor. £41 per adult gained us entrance to a pretty impressive theme park and an experience Little "c" would never forget.

Ride No. 1 was the Viking Splash... which typically saturated me the most. There then followed a succession of not exactly white knuckle rides but pleasantly exhilarating ones. Little "c" enjoyed them all save the Pirate Ship swing thing as it made her "tummy scared".

The worst part was the queuing... you could put your hand in your pocket and fork out an extra £15 each and you could bypass the line... or you could wait about 45 minutes. The pirate log plume gave the kids a queuing distraction in the form of duplo lego bricks to play with whilst the grown ups zigzagged their way to the front.

We ended up staying all day and still didn't see everything. Cardboard burger for dinner. A caricature portrait of Little "c", a wander around Miniland, a sedate aerial railway and a rope climbing lift ride were the concluding events... and then it was finally home time. Everyone fell asleep in the car (except me as I was driving).

To be continued...

Welcome to The Garden City (Part 4)

A major feature of LAB's visit to the UK was to shop! So not to disappoint we took our guests to London's premier shopping centre: Westfield London. For a while I had the responsibility of looking after Little "c" in the kids play area. She set about meticulously painting a multicoloured ceramic elephant but passed on the mask and the doorhanger. After a while we headed off to find the others. I spent some time browsing the books in Foyles and flicked through the latest novel in the Song of Ice and Fire series by George R R Martin. Also I had a look in a gadget shop (will almost certainly close due to the pointless nature of it's merchandise) which stocked radio controlled helicopters with miniature cameras fitted so you can spy on people (£70).

We had an expensive fish and chips for lunch... with mushy peas (I'm not keen on mushy peas! But it didn't stop N getting them for me)... and then did a bit more shopping before coming home (in light of the riots and looting we thought it prudent not to hang about).

Dinner that evening was courtesy of Dominos and of course I consumed more than my fair share of pizza!

To be continued.

Welcome to The Garden City (Part 3)

I've actually been three times to Whipsnade Zoo in the last three years... before that it was probably 33 years! The first two times were for a fortieth birthday celebration and for a christening. This time it was for a proper full on zoo visit. We were originally considering going to London Zoo but after the effort required to travel to Regents Park for Lollibop by public transport we thought better of it and drove to Whipsnade instead.

First of all we took in a ten minute sealion show which was then followed by a ride on the steam train. Then we decided to walk up to the Giraffe enclosure where little "c" learned all about giraffes' stomachs and how many bones they have in their necks (they actually have seven bones which is in fact the same as a human).

We had sandwiches for lunch and whilst we were eating we were constantly interrupted by an inquisitive peacock. After our meal we walked back to the entrance gate and caught the tour bus that circumnavigated the zoo. Little "c" and I got off at the hippo pen whilst N, LAB and little "a" stayed on. Little "c" and I then took a look at the hippos (one of which went for a massive dump in front of us as it got out of the water), followed by lions, meerkats (simples!) and flamingos.

We met up with the others at the cafe and after some more refreshments we walked over to the Discovery Centre where there was a large collection of reptiles and fish. At last it was time to go home and we wearily walked back to the car.

To be continued...

"Irrevocably damaged..."

Just been watching the latest Newsnight on BBC2 and what do you get: Three pseudo intellectual foreign tw*ts saying that Britain has been irrevocably damaged by the rioting and looting in foreign eyes. B*ll*cks has it. No one will even remember it a few weeks down the line. Don't these pompous f*ckers realise that the public in most countries have memories like goldfish. And typically the French advised their population not to come to England. They really hate us don't they!

Rant over.