Myself and Mark aren't normally this colour, pink, but it's a result of that day out as it was very hot. We are very English and we do burn and we forgot.
For those of you who don't know me, my name is T and I live close to Mark in England. I'm sorry about my English accent... it's the only accent I've got so if you can't understand me - I would appreciate it if you could just keep quiet and pretend that you do!
As I say, I live close to the H's and I've known Mark for about 28 years, although of course it feels a lot longer. We went to the same school together and after we left we kept in touch. We generally kept in touch by meeting in the pub 3 or 4 times a week. Our friendship wasn't entirely based around beer though. We did go through a 4 year period when we went to the gym 3 or 4 times a week. I'm sure you can tell just by looking at Mark that we've given up the gym - Still drinks the beer though!
I was going to ask you to stand up Mark and show everyone but I'm sure they will look later.
As I say, I've known Mark for 28 years and it struck me as I was trying to write this speech that I could highlight a couple of behaviours which I've noticed in Mark which may help N... warnings if you like!
The first area is cooking. For as long as I remember it's been a running joke with our friends that Mark is the worst cook ever been born or yet to be born. He can't boil an egg. I always thought this was funny but probably exaggerated -- It's not!
The other day I was chatting to N and I asked - how is Mark cooking. She turned to me and said - he can turn the oven on. That is the extent of Mark's cooking skills it seems... which is no good for a 39 year old man, I think you'll all agree.
My advice here N is to sign him up for some cookery lessons - I'm sure he'd enjoy it!
Maybe putting a lock on the kitchen door may help as well - lock him in - that's what I say!
The second area that I'd like to talk about concerns Mark's bedroom habits (not a nice thought is it?) I've slept with Mark on many occasions. Not in the biblical sense of course - but when we've been on group holidays and had to share rooms.
Mark, I'm afraid is notorious for his snoring... it has become legendary amongst our group of friends. Probably amongst the hotels we have stayed in as well. Maybe even the campsites. Over the years various methods have been tried to stop the horrible noise. One friend tried throwing chocolates at him in the hope this may make him turn over. It didn't work and he just woke up in a bed of melted chocolate. He must have wondered what had happened!
Another method was tried when a friend switched the light on and off quickly in the hope it may make him turn over. That didn't work either. In fact there is no technique that's been found to work - Not letting him sleep?
I don't know what to suggest to you N... I think you're on your own with this one! Get a bed put in the spare room maybe - or have the bed put in the garage and move the garage to a different town.
Anyway I could go on telling you stories about Mark for hours but I think you would get bored and most of them I can't tell as there are ladies present.
There is one last thing for me to do though... so if everyone has a full glass.
(Lift glass)
I'd like to propose a toast to Mark and N.
We would all like to wish you the very best for your future together.
The new Mr and Mrs H
M & N
