Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, 
And never brought to mind? 
Should auld acquaintance be forgot, 
And auld lang syne! 

Chorus.-For auld lang syne, my dear, 
For auld lang syne. 
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet, 
For auld lang syne. 

And surely ye'll be your pint stowp! 
And surely I'll be mine! 
And we'll tak a cup o'kindness yet, 
For auld lang syne. 
For auld, &c. 

We twa hae run about the braes, 
And pou'd the gowans fine; 
But we've wander'd mony a weary fit, 
Sin' auld lang syne. 
For auld, &c. 

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn, 
Frae morning sun till dine; 
But seas between us braid hae roar'd 
Sin' auld lang syne. 
For auld, &c. 

And there's a hand, my trusty fere! 
And gie's a hand o' thine! 
And we'll tak a right gude-willie waught, 
For auld lang syne. 
For auld, &c.

GIBBERISH!

Rant over

Dartford Crossing

I seem to remember when the Dartford Bridge was first opened the intention was to only have to pay a toll until the construction of the bridge had been paid for.

Now god knows how many years later and how many times over the bridge has been paid for - the f*ckers have closed the toll booths, made people pay online and kept a toll of £2.50.

Why?

Oh yes... Just to keep exploiting a captive market and ripping people off!

Rant over.

The Hobbit: The Battle of The Five Armies

I have not been a particular fan of the first two films in this padded out trilogy, unlike The Lord of the Rings which I thought was utterly brilliant.

In this third and final instalment we immediately start with Smaug's fiery attack on Laketown which is quite impressive but very predictable (even if you haven't read the book). In fact it is only at the end of Smaug's assault and demise that we see the subtitle “The Battle of the Five Armies” appear on the screen.

I think what these films lack in comparison with their predecessors are interesting characters. Martin Freeman as Bilbo Baggins feels like a supporting character rather than the titular Hobbit! The dwarves (apart from Richard Armitage as Thorin) are all indistinguishable and to be honest I couldn't have given a toss as to who was who. Vast geographical distances seem to be crossed in the blink of an eye and there is a plethora of extra material (and extra characters such as Tauriel) that was never in the book. And what the hell were those Dunesque giant worms the orcs had access to?

The battle itself reminded me very much of the final conflict in Return of the King complete with cave trolls. Peter Jackson manages to shoehorn Galadriel, Elrond and Saruman again into the proceedings (although I'm sure that couldn't have been Christopher Lee in physical combat with the Nazgul).

To be honest I think the best character by a country mile was Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage) even if he did look a bit like the Klingon warrior Gowron from Star Trek: The Next Generation. He produces the best performance and he made me feel sympathetic to his cause and to his internal conflict over failing to keep his word in repaying Bard and the people of Laketown.

The script is predictable in a lot of places and I felt as if it was lazily written. “There has been enough fighting!” Yawn.

The Battle of the Five Armies is an entertaining film... But it ain't that good.

What it missed or I should say who it missed was: Viggo Mortensen!

Rating: 7/10

Uber alles?

If I want to use a taxi (usually to get home), I'll go to a taxi rank and maybe join a queue or maybe just get straight into a cab. I won't f*cking start using an app on my phone! IT IS NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH!!!

But what astounds me is that Uber a company vilified by cab drivers from all over the world and a company that just parasites itself off of the back of taxi drivers from all over the world is valued at £25 billion!!!

£25,000,000,000... How is that possible?

That's probably more money than the entire world's population of taxi drivers makes in a lifetime.

Utterly ridiculous!

Rant over.

It's all about me (Part 4) - Zoella

1) I appear in horrendously tedious videos on YouTube talking about myself.

2) I shamelessly product place in these videos (undoubtedly getting handsomely paid for it).

3) I have over 6 million followers most of whom seem to adore me (their comments always seem to end with a link to their own blogs funnily enough).

4) I have written a novel (ha ha ha!) and have plugged it wherever and whenever possible.

5) Girl Online has become the most successful "debut" novel by an "author" beating J K Rowling.

6) Oh... I didn't actually write the novel myself it was ghostwritten by someone else in six weeks.

7) I'm so embarrassed I've been caught out I'm taking time off to clear my head.

8) Twelve hours later "I'm not actually quitting the Internet" (a lot more money to make yet!)

9) I have a smug looking prat of a boyfriend who also videos drivel and has more followers than me.

And so it goes on...

Seriously though - what depresses me is how someone can gain so much success and considerable wealth (no doubt) from so little skill and talent. Try and watch some of her videos - they are bloody awful!

Rant over.

Smashed repeatedly with the ugly sledgehammer...

JEEZUS H CHRIST!!!

Mick Hucknall and Ed Sheeran... You are too repulsive for words!

Rant over.

Spectre

2015 has a shedload of blockbusters being released... one of which is the 24th James Bond film which we now know will be entitled: Spectre.

I like it!

So does that mean Blofeld will return?

Stephen Hawking: Artificial intelligence could end human race

"The eminent British physicist Stephen Hawking warns that the development of intelligent machines could pose a major threat to humanity.

"The development of full artificial intelligence (AI) could spell the end of the human race," Hawking told the BBC."

Been watching the Terminator films have you Stephen?

Good grief!

Rant over.

Ha ha... You're so funny Ant & Dec!

Another one of those things that I find very annoying is the sound of laughter you hear in the background when those masters of mediocrity Ant & Dec are presenting and telling crappy jokes on I'm a Celebrity.

Who the f*ck are those a*selicking toadies chortling off camera?

Shutttttt uppppp!

Rant over.

Kristen Scott Thomas

Now come on... let's be honest... Has Kristen Scott Thomas ever been in a film you would want to watch?

Ermmmmmmmm...

NO!

Rant over.

Buerk by name... burk by nature

What on Earth possessed Michael Buerk to be a contestant in I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here?

Oh... I know!

The £120,000 he was reportedly offered by ITV.

Rant over.

Fury

From the outset I felt drawn into this highly impressive film. The grim and cold environment, the horrors and violence of a savage and brutal war are conveyed brilliantly.

The film centres on a four man tank crew led by Sargent Brad Pitt who has to guide his men on a number of deadly missions deep in German territory right at the end of WWII.

The action is violent and lethal but is intercut with brilliant dialogue and fabulous character moments. There is an extended scene where Pitt and his young apprentice machine gunner recuperate at a German town house inhabited by two young women, they are then joined by Shia LaBoeff and the dodgy police bloke turned zombie from The Walking Dead... and the tension ramps up.

There is the obligatory battle with a Tiger tank which is seat of your pants stuff followed by cataclysmic fight with a regiment of SS... which concludes bloodily.

This film is probably the best I have seen this year and I totally recommend going to see it.

Rating: 9/10

It's all about me (Part 3)

For some reason I caught a bit of Graham Norton's show the other day and one of the guests was the supremely smug Stephen Fry.

Anyway Fry was recounting a story about nearly putting the phone down on Prince Charles one Christmas Day when old Jug Ears just happened to give him a call.

Subtle as a brick eh?

Let it be known to everyone that: I Stephen Fry hobnob with royalty.

Me me me!

Rant over.

Have I slept with over a thousand women? Probably': Simply Red's Mick Hucknall admits he never kept track of romantic conquests

"He's dated a string of beautiful women including Catherine Zeta-Jones and Helena Christensen.

And Simply Red frontman and serial womaniser Mick Hucknall says his knack with the ladies was just par for the course of being in one of Britain's biggest bands.

The 54-year-old star - who famously claimed he had sex with up to three women a day during the group's heyday - has confessed he bedded too many women to count over the course of his career because he couldn't resist the 'candy shop' of sexual opportunity available to him." -- Daily Mail website

Jeezus wept... is this ugly f*ck for real? He has got to be one of the most repulsive looking individuals (and deluded) to walk the planet (or any other planet for that matter!)

SIMPLY B*LL*CKS more like!!!

Rant over.

And the title is...

I was expecting something a trifle better than The Force Awakens.

Hmmmmmmm...

Kelvin Mackenzie

My god this bloke really thinks he know's it all doesn't he?

I had one eye on some programme tonight on BBC1 about whether there should be more powers for London as it is such a powerhouse that benefits the whole of the UK.

Mackenzie was on the panel and of course he deliberately trotted out a load of provocative guff to p*ss people off. Mainly if you can't afford to live there... then tough! And so it went on in a similar vein whenever he was asked his opinion.

And you know what Kelvin?... your opinion is worth f*ck all!!!

Rant over.

It's all about me (Part 2)

I quite often read The Times (you can get it free if you spend over a tenner in Waitrose). I don't know why... but what really gets on my bloody wick is Caitlin Moran who writes for the newspaper or to be more accurate the obnoxious photos of her posturing with her gob open!

It's all about me, me, me...

Rant over.

47 Ronin

I watched about 30 minutes of this tedious drivel last Saturday evening before giving up.

Don't bother watching it as it is rubbish!

Rating: 2/10

It's all about me (Part 1)

Okay... a bit of a weird one this!

I was on my way over to my mum's and listening to Radio 3 in the car, which was broadcasting a programme about Neil Sedaka's taste in music.

So what?

Well what bugged me was whilst the odious little twerp was talking about his musical favourites he just had to mention how he was rated as one of the top pianists in the world.

Just chip that nugget of arrogance in eh?

Why do that? All it does is make you look a prat.

Rant over.

More on Scandal

No, no, no... This programme has degenerated into a lazily written mess. The first two series piqued my interest as they did at least feature some cases that Olivia Pope's team had to sort out and fix, as well as the ludicrous presidential plots - but this third series just doesn't do it for me. The character's motivations are nonsensical and you can see that whatever bozo writes this drivel just uses the same style of dialogue for all the characters. In other words all the players give exactly the same style of speech. God knows why it is so popular!

Poor.

Rating: 4/10

The Purge

I was expecting better when I watched this on Friday night. It starts off promising  then becomes very unbelievable and contrived. There is nothing here that you haven't seen before except that it is set in an affluent surburban neighbourhood. It is also rather predictable and I was annoyed at the illogical character motivations for murdering people.

Could have been a lot better and god knows why Ethan Hawke agreed to be in it.

Rating: 5/10

The Leftovers

Hmmm... still unsure about this programme. It has a dark melancholic feeling to it and has some interesting characters but is very slow and nothing much has happened in the first four episodes.

I still can't figure out what is going on with the police chief's son and why do the cult members all smoke?

I get the feeling nothing will be properly explained and the show will be cancelled with no proper conclusion.

Rating: 7/10

Twin Peaks Returns!

Yes, yes, yes!... Twin Peaks is returning after 25 years for a third series of 9 episodes, all written and directed by David Lynch himself.

This is fabulous news... It is just a shame that we have to wait for two years before we can see them.

Rave over.

Bob The Baker

I'll tell you who is currently getting on my wick... and that is the smug builder bloke on The Great British Bake Off and the reason why is because he always has that bloody pencil stuck behind his ear.

Prat.

Rant over.

GPs' pay: Number of doctors earning £100,000 has quadrupled, report shows

The number of family doctors earning more than £100,000 a year has quadrupled in less than a decade, according to evidence submitted to the annual NHS pay review.

Official documents show that more than 16,000 GPs are being paid six-figure sums, including more than 600 on more than £200,000.

Nine years ago, just 4,000 were paid more than £100,000 a year.

The evidence to the annual pay review by NHS England, the central body which controls most of the health budget, suggests any pay rise for GPs is unaffordable, with a £30bn black hole in the health service projected by 2020." -- The Telegraph website.

And that is why no one can have any sympathy for GPs complaining about having to work in the evenings or weekends to see patients.

Poor hard done by doctors! NOT!!!

Rant over.

The scourge of Sturgeon

Does this repellant anti-English woman who is likely to be the next leader of the SNP seriously believe she can demand another independence referendum in two years time?

What the f*ck is she on?

Oh I know... because we didn't get our way this time we'll keep on having a vote until we do.

Why not get everyone down the polling station every six weeks!

Ridiculous.

Rant over.

Thank God!

The Blacklist

We have recently been downloading and watching the first series of The Blacklist which stars an absolutely brilliant James Spader along with a handful of mediocre wannabes.

Don't get me wrong I find the programme enjoyable - it is just annoying that one well conceived character carries storylines that under scrutiny are lazily written with gaping plot holes.

It suffers from the usual FBI types who stand around detailing what they have discovered to each other... plus the usual track down the villian and dispatch him in the last 2 minutes. Having said that the episode where Red bumps off his betrayers is terrific.

Well worth a watch for Spader.

Rating: 8/10

Dodgy Oriental Businessmen

Why is it in films or TV, whenever the baddie is about to encounter the hero for the first time (usually early on in the film).... the baddie is always finishing off a dodgy business deal with a couple of equally dodgy looking Oriental businessmen and ushers them away before moving on to greeting the hero?

EVERYTIME!!!

Rant over.

RIP Richard Kiel

I felt very sad today when I read that Richard Kiel had passed away.

I can remember being a kid and watching The Spy Who Loved Me at the cinema and marvelling at the imposing stature of Jaws the greatest Bond villiain / henchman of all time.

The world is a sadder place without you sir.

The new batmobile...

... from Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice looks very reminiscent of the Tumbler from The Dark Knight Triology.

Looks good. Maybe a bit fussy?

Haley Joel Osment as he is now!

Remember the kid in The Sixth Sense?... Well... that's him at the age of 26.

OMG!!!

Rant over.

'I used my own son's hair on them': Woman is so obsessed by her collection of 300 ultra-realistic dolls she treats them like her own children

• "Marilyn Mansfield, 36, has been fixated with dolls since she was two and has amassed a giant collection
• 
  
• She and her husband Zoth Ommog, 40, have filled their house in Staten Island, New York, with the toys
• 
  
• Some dolls, which Mrs Mansfield makes and sells herself, even incorporate the hairs of her ten-year-old son
• 
  
• The couple can often be seen taking the dolls for a walk in prams around the streets of New York
• 
  
• Mrs Mansfield says 'therapeutic' dolls helped fill the void left by her own children getting too old for prams" -- Daily Mail website.

Okay... I have two points to make with this story.

A) They are f*cking mad.

B) Who the hell has a name like Zoth Ommog?

And another thing I didn't realise was the teenager in the photo is also a doll!

Rant over.

Predator

God knows how many times I have watched this film over the last 27 years and I'm actually watching it again whilst typing this blogpost... but I must say it is absolutely bloody brilliant!

"I ain't got time to bleed"

Fantastic!!!

Rating: 10/10

Dodgy iCloud photos leaked

Couldn't help laughing at a report on BBC News about celebs having their security passwords breached and "intimate" photos posted that they had stored on Apple's iCloud. They then used the description "Hollywood Stars" and briefly showed an image of Kim Kardashian.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha... that is hysterical!

Rant over.

Man U vs Burnley... the cost comparison

£59.7 million is the fee that Manchester United will pay Real Madrid for Angel Di Maria (whoever he is)

£45 million is the money estimated to have been spent on transfer fees by Burnley... who Man U are playing tomorrow, since the club were founded in 1882.

BLOODY RIDICULOUS!!!!

Rant over.

Flintoff spared ban for speeding

"Millionaire cricketer Andrew "Freddie" Flintoff has escaped a driving ban for speeding in his Bentley after arguing "exceptional hardship" to magistrates.

Flintoff, 36, was already on nine points for speeding and in danger of an automatic ban with another three points after admitting being behind the wheel when flashed by a camera doing 87mph on the M6, near Linstock, Cumbria on January 28 this year, Carlisle Magistrates' Court heard.

But JPs accepted a ban would amount to exceptional hardship because of the effect on others who rely on his extensive charity work and the privacy of his three children.

Instead, the former England cricket captain, caught speeding four times in the last three years, was given the three points on his licence and fined £330 but allowed to keep driving." -- MSN News website

Exceptional hardship!!!!... What an utter load of drivel. Why the f*ck should this bloke escape being banned when he has flagrantly been caught speeding four times.

I'm damn sure Joe Public wouldn't have been treated so leniently (and so they shouldn't). Is it because he is famous? You bet is!

Disgusting.

Rant over.

True Blood

I have been meaning to watch this HBO series for ages... and at last I have got around to downloading the first five episodes of series one and watching them on consecutive nights.

And what do I think?

BRILLIANT!

The best character by far is Bill Compton the lead vampire. I urge you to watch it if you can.

You can see where True Detective nicked their title sequence and theme tune from too.

Rating: 8.5/10

Guardians of the Galaxy

I had read a few OTT reviews about this film on AICN the other day so I was naturally intrigued to see things for myself.

So here we go...

Guardians of the Galaxy is a galactic space romp... a highly amusing film which has proven to be a very bold move by Marvel to expand their cinematic universe. The main characters are very quirky and highly original (which is refreshing to say the least).

There are several running jokes which made me chuckle: Peter Quill trying to get people to remember his alias: Starlord, Drax “The Destroyer” taking everything literally and Groot only ever saying “I am Groot”.

The actor who plays Ronan “The Accuser” (the main villain) is very reminiscent of Frank Langella's portrayal of Skellator in the B rate classic “Masters of The Universe”.

Josh Brolin makes a brief cameo appearance as arch baddie Thanos and Benicio Del Toro similarly as The Collector.

The only real negative is the formulaic plot which climaxes predictably as they always seem to do in these sort of films.

All in all an entertaining film and I would certainly recommend going to see it.

Rating: 7.5/10

OMG Gary Busey in Celebrity Big Brother!

Good grief!... I can't believe they have recruited Gary Busey as a housemate.

This guy is WACKO!!!

Episode VII Stormtrooper

More and more tidbits are leaking out about Star Wars Episode VII including this photo of a stormtroopers helmet.

Mind you... knowing J J Abrams this could all be disinformation!

The sound of rainfall...

... is actually quite therapeutic late at night.

What I don't like is some f*cking pigeon that has built it's sodding nest in the guttering and has created a mini Niagara Falls.

Death to all pigeons!

Rant over.

Lego female research institute set...

What the f*ck are Lego up to? Why the hell would kids want to play with a female research institute set? (Yawn!)

Come on caving into the political correctness brigade is utterly ridiculous. Kids want:

Batman and Star Wars for heavens sake.

Pathetic.

Rant over.

"Watch out workers, the robots are coming"

According to an article in The Times nurses and teachers will survive but those in white-collar jobs may be edged out in a decade.

Experts have predicted that doctors, accountants, lawyers and the rest of the professional classes are to be supplanted by artificial superintelligence and advanced robotics by 2025.

Okay... the article goes on with a quote from Larry Gell, founder and director of the International Agency for Economic Development (whatever that is?) and he says "Everything that can be automated to replace humans will be done." People were the single biggest cost to most companies, he said, so the process of replacing them with cheaper automatons would only accelerate.

So let me get this right... in the quest to get costs to rockbottom levels all human employees will be ultimately got rid of.

But wouldn't that mean NO ONE will have any money because they will be all out of work. So therefore who are these robot employing companies going to sell to?

Ridiculous.

Rant over.

Big Bang Theory get big bucks...

So the "stars" of The Big Bang Theory (currently the highest rated comedy series in the US) have bagged themselves a massive pay rise which now puts them on $1,000,000 (£600,000) per episode.

Sorry but there is something quite obscene here. $1,000,000 to read a script for a 30 minute TV show!

Ridiculous.

Rant over.

Bits of chocolate

Whenever I'm lounging on the sofa eating chocolate, no matter how careful I am, whenever I get up there is always, always, always!!! bits of chocolate squashed underneath me on the upholstery.

Soooo annoying.

Rant over.

Supermarket online shopping

Why is it whenever you buy something online from one of the big supermarkets the packaging is quite often defective. It has happened several times to us. The latest was a pack of Bertolli which was unsealed. Before that a jar of tartare sauce which also had it's seal missing.

Why does this happen?

All I can imagine is that the chimp that is picking the stuff from the shelf doesn't give a sh*t... or is doing it on purpose.

Scumbags!

Rant over.

Selfies and now Usies

Me, me, me, me, me, me, look at me and look at my cool "A" lister friends! I have made it and I want to be worshipped by everyone!!

PATHETIC!

Couldn't you just smash that prat Bradley Cooper in the face? And as for that Ellen whatever her name is "I've got 250,000,000,000 followers on Twitter"... Aaaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!

Rant over.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

I have a real soft spot for all Planet of the Apes films (except for the appalling Tim Burton effort from a few years ago). The Charlton Heston original is an absolute classic that truly has the most perfect downer of an ending.

The new series of films beginning with Rise and now the latest Dawn are not quite there yet but are proving to be very entertaining nonetheless. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is set 10 years after the events of the first film. The simian flu has wiped out the majority of the world's population and things are centred on a group of survivors sheltering in a post apocalyptic San Francisco.

Meanwhile deep in the woods are another group of survivors... this lot are apes and they are led by the super smart chimp Caesar. Like the first film the apes are the best characters by far and it doesn't take long before you forget they are human actors in mo-cap suits superimposed with computer generated wizardry and fully believe they are chimpanzees, orang utans and gorillas.

The plot is simple but you just know that after the initial uneasy cooperation between ape and human - things are going to end in total disaster.

Of course it all ends with the idea of yet another sequel to follow.

Rating: 8/10

Another reason why I don't do the lottery...

Fumbling around with my keys trying to unlock the front door... two of the keys (front door and back door) are the same size and feel the same. Take a guess (the odds are evens on guessing correctly)... Never fits... Always pick the wrong one... Every single time!

Rant over.

Latest Batfleck imagery...

Batman or should that be Batfleck?

Looking very much like the character does in Frank Miller's classic graphic novel The Dark Knight Returns.

Good riddance to Gove

What a relief this repulsive b*stard has been demoted from being in charge of the UK's education system.

Apparently he leads the poll for being one of the most disliked senior Tories... which begs the question: Why do his constituents vote for him?

I also read his wife is p*ssed off too!

Ha ha... tough luck and bog off.

Rant over.

Masterchef voice over woman...

... is apparently an actress by the name of India Fisher - but JEEZUS H Christ... her bloody voice is so irritating.

"Glazed duck in a lobster bisque and a red wine jus" said in a slow, irksome and highly annoying husky voice.

Please f*ck off and get someone decent!

Rant over.

The Wolverine

Anybody reading this probably thinks I'm running a year or so behind schedule as this film was released during 2013 but as I never bothered to trot down to the cinema for this one I've had to wait until I could download it from Sky Movies before I could review it.

Here goes...

The Wolverine is miles better than the crappy X-Men Origins: Wolverine (which was never going to be difficult). Hugh Jackman reprises his role for the umpteenth time and does a really good job. There is a lot of down to earth non-fantastical combat in this film which is great to see because that is what Wolverine is all about... ie. extending his claws and slashing his way through loads of baddies. The story is almost entirely set in Japan and centres on Logan being on the run with Mariko the granddaughter of a Japanese business man who Wolverine saved from the atomic bomb at the end of WWII. The plot is a little bit muddled and our hero spends a fair amount of time without his mutant healing ability and at the end is minus his adamantium claws too.

The worst character by far is Viper, a completely uninteresting villain with absolutely no charisma (where is Magneto when you want him?)

There is the obligatory end of credits scene which gives a taster for the events that transpire in X-Men: Days of Future Past... which will probably take me another year to watch and review.

Rating: 7/10

Why is Andi Peters a judge?

I've had one eye on the totally overrated and absolutely up itself Celebrity Masterchef on BBC1. In fact the whole UK Masterchef effort is p*ss poor when you compare it to the Australian version (as much as it pains me to say this!)

But what really takes the biscuit is that they are using previous series finalists to act as judges (probably because they are cheap) and last week one of these “judges” was Andi Peters, an arrogant and odious twerp who has dabbled in all kinds of things such as TV presenting (remember Ed The Duck?), TV producing and running a model agency (according to Wikipedia).

Anyway... What really bugged me was the obnoxious way he criticised the various dishes. It was as if he thought he was some kind of top chef casting his expert opinion. Well Mr. Peters you are NOT a professional nor expert chef SO DON'T F*CKING TRY AND ACT LIKE ONE!!!

I was actually hoping someone would tip a full plate of food over his head.

Oh and another thing... If I see that fat prat “Biggins” in yet another celebrity reality show I will throw a brick through the TV screen. Okay I probably wouldn't go that far.

Rant over.

New Superman pic from Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

He must be visiting Gotham City judging by the weather!

Still unsure about this film.