Off The Cuff Rant No.6

Why is it... whenever you have a set of cheapo cutlery lurking in the kitchen with plastic handles - you can guarantee that one of the forks will come apart! EVERY BLOODY TIME!!!

Rant over.

Give us more money for f*cking it up!

Daybreak duo Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley are reported to have told ITV bosses they wanted a full payout to cover the length of their contract if they left the troubled breakfast show early.
But The Mirror reports that the channel has called their bluff by threatening a two-year "career blackout" in which Adrian wouldn't get to present the football and Christine would not get to replace Holly Willoughby on Dancing On Ice.

The duo's management are claimed to have been in negotiations with ITV bosses since their exit from Daybreak was revealed last weekend.

A source was quoted as saying: "There have been some heated behind-the-scenes discussions. If their agent thought he could hold the channel to ransom then he's found that ITV actually holds the trump card. It has been quite fraught." -- AOL website

This pair fall into the same bracket as bosses of large failing companies or banks... ie. f*ck it up and expect a massive payout to leave. WELL YOU UGLY B*STARD CHILES and your talentless "girlfriend". You know where you can go...

Rant over.

Tall foreheads…

I must admit I thoroughly enjoy watching the TV drama series The Good Wife. But one thing I find totally distracting about it - is the actress Elizabeth Reaser (pictured)… it is not just the fact that her character is utterly annoying… it is the fact that her forehead is soooo bloody tall. Every scene she is in I keep staring at her forehead. It is so vertical that it makes you think your telly is on the blink!

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.5

I see that obnoxious greasy slimeball "Sir" Philip (services to his own pocket) Green has announced he may close 250 of his stores because profits have fallen by 40% this year.

I would be most aggrieved if I worked for the greedy f*ck as he is infamous for pocketing massive chunks of Arcadia's profits... and of course he also pays bugger all in taxes.

Why not pay some of those profits back into your business - Toad Face - and keep people employed?

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.4

I usually catch the end of Pointless when I get back from work... and apart from the fact that hardly anyone ever wins and even if they do the prize money is pathetic - I can't help thinking that the "100" people they question are exceptionally intelligent, in fact abnormally so... clearly not from Essex then!

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.3

Just been watching the new TV series Pan Am and can't help wondering how air travel has detoriated ever since. Imagine if they did a spin-off and called it... Ryan Air.

Rant over.

It reminded me...

All that business about the Home Secretary not knowing about border checks being relaxed and the subsequent suspension/sacking of the UK Border Force boss made me think of a scene from the incredibly funny, classic film Airplane.

I don't know if you can remember it... but I'm thinking of the sequence where you see a procession of rather obvious looking terrorists walking through the airport security scanner carrying all manner of bulky and noticeable weapons like rocket launchers and bazookas and not getting stopped.

If you listened to the reports it gave you the impression that exactly the same thing was happening in the UK... but for real!

What a load of rubbish!!

Rant over.

Yeah right Freddie...

I haven't watched any of this years Celebrity Get Me Out of Here... but I did read this morning that Freddie Starr has retired from the show after a couple of days due to ill health - although the programme's doctors couldn't find anything physically wrong with him.

It reminds me a bit of his sh*t performance on that other series Dancing On Ice where he went out immediately due to not bothering to practice.

Seems to me... Freddie... that you make a habit of bailing out very quickly from these programmes after no doubt collecting a big fat cheque - for doing sweet FA!

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.2

Don't you just love it when people you don't know drop into conversation that they drive a BMW or they own an iPad (or both). Obviously doing it to impress... but in reality making themselves look a complete and utter TIT.

Rant over.

Off The Cuff Rant No.1

Is it the intention of every f*cker out of McFly to appear on a reality TV series? Because it sure seems like it. One of them is in Strictly and now I see there is another one in Celebrity. What next? X Factor?

Rant over.

Living on another planet... Tamara Ecclestone

I accidentally ended up watching a programme last week about Tamara Ecclestone... daughter of the vile and repugnant, moneygrabbing midget Bernie Ecclestone. F*ck me... what an utter waste of space.

The show followed Tamara around as she went about her daily business - which basically consisted of shopping, getting her hair done, beauty pampering and more shopping.

There was a scene where she had to pitch her new range of hair care products to the shopping channel QVC... and failed abysmally, even though she had two expert "assistants" with her. I loved the bit where she mentioned that she wanted to call her range of products Formula One... but her disgusting dwarf daddy had told her in no uncertain terms she was not doing that... because he owns Formula One and sells the use of the name to other companies for millions and wasn't about to give it to her for free. Nice chap!

Other scenes included her getting her dogs pampered at Harrods... her ugly looking bulldog (is there any other kind?) received a pedicure... unbelievable.

But the one thing that really does astonish me is how come that ugly f*ck is her father? Doesn't make sense. I reckon another bloke got there first...

Rant over.

Waste of bloody time... more X Factor ranting

Yesterday we headed off to into London to see the results show of The X Factor... and what a waste of bloody time that turned out to be! We rendezvoused at MO's house and he drove the three of us to Wembley right by the stadium where we intended to join the queue outside the studio.

A female member of staff was greeting people at the end of the line and promptly informed us that there were 300 people in front of us and that whilst we were welcome to take our chances it was highly unlikely we would get in. She also told us that some saddoes had started queuing at 6am that morning. We mulled it over for a few moments before deciding - sod it - lets go back to MO's and watch it on the telly.

I don't like Simon Cowell. I like him even less now. Ar*ehole!

Rant over.

Eating satsumas

Many years ago I had a disgusting habit of eating a whole satsuma in one go... minus the peel of course. But that isn't part of the rant - I thought I would just share that historical fact with you. What I was going to say and what really really gets my goat... is when you bite into an extra juicy couple of segments you find it is riddled with about 50,000,000 seeds and you spend the next 10 minutes continuously spitting out the dratted things!

Rant over.

72 days... as long as that?

You certainly can't help thinking that this so called marriage was a total sham. Another episode in the pointless but highly profitable lives of the Krappy Kardashians. It is simply amazing that the public lap this stuff up. I suspect the whole affair will appear soon in their sh*te TV show.

Rant over.