Krappy Katona

And so the constant merry-go-round of reality TV continues. We've had weeks of The X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing... Three weeks or so of I'm a Celebrity whatever - which must mean the next one has got to be Dancing On Ice. AND look who is in it. Yep the supremely talentless and completely mental Kerry Katona.

On thinking about it... I wonder which "Z" rater has been in the most of these progammes. Didn't KK win Celebrity?

Rant over.

Goldie



What's up with this bloke?... everytime you glance at a reality TV show, no matter what it is - you see this retard's ugly mug. Apparently he was knocked out immediately from Strictly and now I see he is in the interminable Come Dine With Me. Check him out on Wikipedia and see you see he has done a load of others too along with a brief appearance in a Bond film. Total mediocrity... and what's with the prattish teeth?

Rant over.

"Goldman Sachs pay out $111million in bonuses despite taking billions in bailout money"

"Goldman Sachs bosses are to pick up $111million in bonuses in an 'outrageous' pay deal that flies in the face of the worst recession for 80 years. The investment banks' chief executive Lloyd Blankfein and president Gary Cohn will get $24million each under the bumper agreement that will see thousands of others get huge rewards. The bonuses were agreed in 2008 months before Goldman took $10billion of U.S. bailout money, but due to technicalities there is no way to stop the bank from paying them out." -- Daily Mail website

I know, I know... I keep banging on about Goldman Sachs - but everytime I read a news article about this obscene, cancerous, vile, despicable, parasitic, disgusting organisation my blood pressure goes through the roof. AND THEY F*CKING GET AWAY WITH IT. Couldn't you just stove that (imagine the "c" word)'s head with a cricket bat. Look at it's face... laughing at tax payers from all over the world who have saved his skin with utterly no intention of ever paying one penny or cent back. Can't write anymore - I am so angry!

Rant over.

Cross-eyed Robbie



For the second year running Robbie Williams has featured in The X Factor final... and for the second year running he looked like a cross-eyed tw*t. Reminds me a bit of my rants about Wayne Rooney... there's nothing going on behind the eyes is there?

Rant over.

Disaster in Coronation Street

It's very easy for people to slag off the soaps - saying they are rubbish... but I don't mind admitting I do enjoy Coronation Street, EastEnders and Emmerdale. The fact is - they aren't rubbish. In fact I would say this week's 50th anniversary episodes of Corrie have been brilliant. Long may it continue!

Rating: 10/10

"The smile that says I'm the highest paid reality TV star! Kim Kardashian tops list with $6m"

"Kim Kardashian wore a large grin on her face as she touched down in New York yesterday - and she certainly has reason to smile. The 30-year-old has topped the list of high-earning reality TV stars after raking in an estimated $6million this year. Her sisters Khloe and Kourtney, who also appear in their family show Keeping Up With The Kardashians, were ranked at number 7 and 8 with $2.5 million each." -- Daily Mail website

I've ranted before about this vacuous family... but this takes the biscuit. $6 million for doing what? Apparently the specimen above can command $75,000 appearance money. Aaarrghhh! I can hear her drawn out Californian twang now.

Rant over.

Julian Assange has a deathwish!



Julian Assange is a nutter. In the public interest he has published all these top secret reports on his website WikiLeaks and embarrassed the US Government in the extreme. And where has it got him? A warrant for his arrest. The bloke is a complete and utter lunatic! Why do it? Does he really think everyone's going to say "Good old Julian, he's told us what a load of US diplomats think about foreign governments!" I don't think they will... they're more likely to say "Silly old Julian, he's gonna get banged up for a long time." What a PRAT!

Rant over.

Monsters

Empire Magazine gave this low budget film 5 stars... not sure I would totally go along with that - but I must admit it was pretty damn good. Set at some point in the near future it follows a couple who have to cross The Infected Zone which spans the border between Mexico and the US. The Infected Zone is inhabited by huge octopus/jellyfish like alien creatures which were accidentally brought to Earth aboard a crashed space probe. It feels a bit like War of The Worlds but less dangerous and more character driven. The acting is pretty class although I'm not sure they totally engage you (if that makes sense). If I had been the girl I would have been pretty livid that the bloke had lost my passport in a drunken stupor after bonking some Mexican tart... she seemed a bit too forgiving to me! The thing that is astonishing though about Monsters is that the whole film cost about £2.50 to make. Impressive.

Rating: 7.5/10

What a pointless waste of time...

With hindsight it seems apparent to me that England were never in the running for hosting the 2018 World Cup. That we only received 2 votes out of 22 just proves what a complete waste of time and charade the whole process was. England logically should have held the tournament. We had the best bid by miles but it seems we don't believe in bribery... hence the Russians winning it. So what have we got eh? A football tournament being held in a country where no one will want to go and matches that will be attended by hordes of racists. Infrastructure and stadia that has to be built from scratch. But hey I bet those FIFA delegates are checking their Swiss bank accounts. And as for 2022... what retard can honestly believe Qatar is a great place to hold it. I know let's play football in 50 degrees in the f*cking desert!! Arseholes.

Rant over.

Noooooo!!!!... How does Opik do it? How??

I am speechless... How is it possible that this ugly useless f*cker manages to bag himself these women? Or is he paying them to appear with him to cultivate this image? Here he is with his latest... some 21 year old bimbo!

Rant over.

"Bootiful!"

I tell you what I find obnoxious... that's people who name their companies after their full name. Not just their surnames or two people's surnames - BUT their full name ie. Bernard Matthews. Shows utterly no imagination whatsoever and underlines an immense ego which demonstrates they believe they know better than the lowlifes that work for them. AND to make it even worse they appear in their own TV adverts - mind you that was years ago. I seem to remember reading that Bernard Matthews was a total b*st*rd to work for. Paid pittance and the of course product was sh*t. Anyway I'm sure there are a few Turkey's that will be happy at the moment... though not for long as I suppose they will be off to be electrocuted and plucked soon!

Rant over.

Guess who?

"Age: 45 Occupation: Comedian Phobias: Tarantulas Special skills: Wooing the ladies Supporters: Nick Clegg Former MP Lembit believes working in parliament has provided him with the best possible training to cope in the jungle.


“The best preparation I have had for this has been the House of Commons – which is a jungle without the trees!” reveals Lembit, who lost his seat in this year’s General Election.

Still, Lembit’s looking to make up for past losses by winning over the public in the jungle. “I am competitive,” he admits. ”There is no point going into a competition if you don’t aim to win. This isn’t an election, but it would be nice given what happened to me in the last General Election, to at long last win a vote. That would mean a lot to me. I am playing to win, and all I can do is my best. I will accept the public’s verdict.”

But will the public accept him? Tune in to find out." -- Celebrity Get Me Out of Here website

TIT

I can't help thinking...

...with the Irish economy currently f*cked and half it's population considering emigration to New Zealand or Australia (like rats leaving the sinking ship) - now must be time to snap up all those cheap empty houses that litter the country. Mind you I'm sure Sarah Beeney is already there doing just that. Capitalise on people's misery eh?

Also... I can understand the reasons why the UK is contributing £7 billion to help Ireland - but somehow I can't help wondering that if the boot was on the other foot then the Irish wouldn't even p*ss on us to put the fire out. 

Rant over.

Son of Jug Ears to marry bone idle offspring of mail order company millionaire owners

I couldn't give a sh*t about a royal engagement... but one thing that piqued my interest was reading Wikipedia's entry on Kate Middleton. Her father was an airline pilot and her mother a flight attendant - they then started up a mail order company called Party Pieces that sells stuff for parties (yawn!). They are millionaires. That last sentence is the key. What if the Wikipedia entry had read - they started up a mail order company that went straight down the toilet (because it was such a boring and unoriginal idea) and ended up bankrupt. Bet f*ck face Wills wouldn't have been interested then... or more importantly Queenie and Phil "The Greek" would have put a stop to it. Actually there wouldn't have been a Wikipedia entry would there?

I like the bishop that said the marriage wouldn't last... because the royal family are a bunch of philanderers.

Rant over.

Why Peter Kay?



I used to like Peter Kay. Phoenix Nights was funny. Max and Paddy the spin off series was funny. But now the fat smug northern git seems to be everywhere... AND what the f*ck has he got to do with advertising M&S? I can understand models such as Twiggy featuring in their ads but why a tubby twat like him?? He's not even funny in it either. Bet he received a nice fat cheque though. UNBELIEVABLE!

Rant over.

Mad Marco...

Years ago I remember reading an article that said if you were dining at one of Marco Pierre White's restaurants and you happened to order something inappropriate... he'd storm out of his kitchen and threaten to gut you with his meat cleaver (actually can you gut someone with a meat cleaver? On thinking about it maybe he'd lop your b*ll*cks off with it instead). Anyway I digress... what's that sh*te advert about - featuring MPW and a group of old biddy's which culminates with them giving him the thumbs up as he seeks their approval for his gravy. The arrogant b*st*rd wouldn't give a f*ck what they thought of his soddin' gravy!!! What a load of cr*p.

Rant over.

The Walking Dead

This programme is superb... although why on Earth it is confined to the FX channel beats me. Never have I enjoyed a new series so much - maybe not since the pilot episode of Lost. For the uninitiated it follows the survivors of a zombie apocalypse - okay admittedly it starts off a bit like 28 Days Later with the hero waking up from a coma in hospital only to find all hell has broken loose in the world. I particular liked the scene in episode 2 where to sneak past the walkers (zombies) they have chop up one of the undead and cover themselves in the all the gore and entrails from the corpse... only that way can they smell like one of the dead and they then have to shuffle down the street past hordes of zombies. Great stuff!

Rating: 9/10

"The Fallen Herald" by Simon P. Edwards

March 2010 saw the publication of a brilliant new fantasy novel by the cutting edge British author Simon P. Edwards. The Fallen Herald is Book 1 in the Heaven's War series and takes place on the mythical world of Rune which unfolds as a backdrop to an array of heroic characters whose destinies are entwined in an epic story of tragedy and revenge.

The book is a terrific read... but don't take my word for it! Below are some reviews taken from Amazon:

5* Refreshingly original

'This is one of the best fantasy books i have read in a long time - refreshingly original, grabs you from page one. Simon P Edwards is up there with Tad williams and J V Jones.'


5* A must read!


'Like the title says, a must read. I have read hundreds of fantasy novels and this is up there in my top 10. The way Simon has created this world and managed to explain the mythology and characters without over complicating the story is a refreshing change of pace in what can sometimes be an overly complicated part of reading epic fantasy books.


Moving to the story I'm not going to spoil anything just to say the multiple story lines all run well together. The world Simon has created is brilliantly crafted, living gods, immortal beings, fantasy creatures and of course the humans. What more could you want.'


5* The best read I have had in a very long time!


'I bought this book after meeting the author at a book signing, and could not put it down once I started reading. The characters are three dimensional and very well fleshed out, so much so you really find yourself caring about them, and the story is just amazing. The amazing thing is, I am not a major fantasy fan, but this book demands that you read it until the very end, such is the quality of the story. If you like fantasy novels, you need to own this, but so will many other readers too.'

You can read more reviews or purchase The Fallen Herald from Amazon if you click on the following link:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fallen-Herald-Book-Heavens-War/dp/1449024947/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1289118494&sr=1-1

If you would like to read Chapters 1 & 2 then click on the following link:

http://thefallenherald.com/chapters1-2.pdf

And finally if you would like to learn more about the book and its author then click on the following link:

http://www.thefallenherald.com/

PIGS

We're sunk: Ireland's top economist says bank losses make bankruptcy 'inevitable'

Just been reading the following on The Daily Mail website:

"Ireland will be forced into national bankruptcy because of the soaring losses in its stricken banking system, the country’s leading economist has warned. Professor Morgan Kelly predicted that Ireland would follow Greece in seeking a humilating bail-out from the European Union due to a £60.3billion (€70billion) blackhole in its financial system. But Prof Kelly, an economics professor at University College, Dublin, believes that Brussels will force Dublin to pay such a high price that it will 'inevitably' default on its loans. The EU wants to 'make an example' of Ireland so that debt-laden Spain and Italy won’t seek the ‘soft option’ of a EU rescue package, according to Prof Kelly. 'Our debt will rise faster than out means of servicing it and we will inevitably face a State bankruptcy that will destroy what few shreds of out international reputation that still remain,' he argued"

Now I have no reason to disbelieve Professor Morgan Kelly... but is it really necessary for the smartarse b*st*rd to put the boot in? Do the Irish people really want to be reminded that their country stands on the verge of being f*cked?? I've always thought that the more so called experts heap on the doom they actually compound the effect - people are understandably scared and they stop spending and the economy collapses.

Rant over.

Why do football managers constantly chew gum?

I'm not an avid football fan by any stretch... but why is it whenever you see someone like Ferguson on the telly - he is always chewing gum. Always, always, always. There they are standing on the touchline chomping away. Then the TV cameras always show a shot of the dugout and there you see a whole line of them - coaching staff, physios, other lackeys... all chewing away. Is that what you have to be to be involved in football... be a gum addict???

Weird.

"The aircraft carrier built in a conservatory: Made from Lego, it weighs more than 500lb, is 23ft long and took 600 hours to build"

"Britannia rules the waves once again boasting the the world's biggest aircraft carrier - but this one is made from Lego. The 23-foot-long, quarter-of-a-ton model is an exact replica of the USS Intrepid and was built by British Lego fan Ed Diment. The enormous model took a whopping 600 man hours over nine months to complete and weighs a hefty 551lbs. It is made from 250,000 separate Lego pieces collected over the last 30 years and even comes with its own planes, life rafts and crew to make it extra-realistic" -- Daily Mail website

Okay... I'm impressed. Two things though spring to mind about this eccentric behaviour:

1) Why the USS Intrepid?
2) Didn't he take the easy option of recreating an aircraft carrier that predominantly has a nice easy flat top. Why not make a model of a battleship with lots of uneven superstructure?

Weird.

'Better to be passionate about girls than be gay': Berlusconi faces down his opponents over latest scandal

Scandal-hit Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi raised eyebrows when he told an audience: 'It’s better to be passionate about beautiful girls than be gay.'

I must admit... he's got a point! Even if he is a philandering, corrupt, obnoxious GIT!

"EU blows £33m on bulletproof limousines for ambassadors"

Okay, I know that is Obama's car tank above - however it turns out that the revolting Baroness Ashton has sanctioned the wasting of £33m on 150 over the top armoured limos for EU officials who are stationed in foreign countries - even those where there is no threat of assassination. I used to think belonging to the EU benefited the UK... but after reading yesterday's Sunday Times - I ain't so sure!

More to come...

Deathtrap

I like whodunnits... they maybe corny - but I like them nonetheless. N and I booked tickets to see Deathtrap at The Noel Coward Theatre in London through Lastminute.com late last week for the matinee performance on Saturday. I could vaguely remember the film starring Michael Caine and Christopher Reeve and the infamous scene where they kissed which basically meant I had remembered one of the twists... of course I didn't tell N. No really of course I didn't!

I'm not going to explain the plot but I will say the acting was reasonably good. One of the actors was one of the stars from Glee (don't ask me which one because I wasn't close enough to see and I haven't bothered to check him out on the Internet).

Actually talking about not being close enough to see... we were not in the best of seats (probably explains the cheap tickets) and as the theatre was slowly filling up we noticed there were four empty seats in a much better position at the front of the balcony. Of course two middle-aged women who were sitting behind us also noticed the seats and rather than wait until it was obvious no one was going to occupy them they made their way down to them immediately. Much to my delight the people who had booked them turned up and there then ensued the humiliation of the two older women who then had to skulk back to their original seats. Did I laugh? You bet I did!

Anyway I would say Deathtrap is well worth seeing... and would heartily recommend it.

Rating: 8/10

"Disaster as Daybreak ratings fall to 530,000"



I must say I was very pleased to read that the fat brummie slug and his girlfriend have proven to be a disaster on their morning breakfast programme. Apparently one viewer complained: "Adrian Chiles' demeanour and delivery are OK for evening TV but not first thing. At 8am I want bright and pleasant." To be honest I don't want to see him at anytime. Serves them bloody well right... I bet the Beeb are laughing their heads off!

Rant over.

Supermarket Basket

How many times does the following happen to you? Walk into your local Morrisons/Sainsburys/Asda/Tescos... go to grab a basket - and what happens? You pull out two... because the soddin' things are jammed together. EVERYTIME! Really gets my goat.

Rant over.

Brooklyn's Finest

Sometimes it's tricky to find a film that you really want to see out of your local Blockbuster. Last Friday we must have studied the shelves of DVDs for ages before finally picking out Hot Tub Time Machine and Brooklyn's Finest.

Now, if you have seen and enjoyed the excellent Training Day with Denzel Washington and Ethan Hawke then you will also be highly impressed with Brooklyn's Finest - which funnily enough is by the same team (and also stars Ethan Hawke).

The plot basically follows the lives of 3 different police officers - Ethan Hawke who works on the drug raids (and is robbing and murdering the drugdealers so as he can buy a new house), Richard Gere who is an underachieving beat cop who has 7 days left before he retires and is trying to steer clear of trouble and Don Cheadle who is working deep undercover within the drug gangs.

The film is spectacularly and brutally violent (like Training Day) and the acting is terrific. Everyone featuring in it is well cast and there is not a duff performance amongst any of them. As the 3 separate story threads come together you know things are going to end violently... and they do!

Brilliant.

Rating: 9/10

The Official Top Ten Jokes

10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"'

4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'
2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

"As swingeing cuts loom for Britain, staff at Goldman Sachs share £2.4bn bonus (and that's just for the last three months)"

A typical but highly topical headline from the Daily Mail:

Staff at investment bank Goldman Sachs are in line to earn £310,000 each in pay and bonuses this year, it was revealed today.


The US bank announced a £2.4 billion payout for staff in the third quarter of the current financial year. The windfall brings the total value of the pot earmarked for the first nine months of the year to £8.3 billion.

That puts Goldman's 35,400 workers on average salaries of £233,813 each so far this year - with projected earnings of £310,000 for the whole financial year.

So the moneygrabbing f*ckers that work for this "bank" a lot of whom contributed to the banking crash just carry on being paid extortionate amounts in bonus'. Why is it the taxpayers of the world had to pay out to keep this disgusting company functioning... and now, tomorrow we are about to see the axe fall on 500,000 jobs. They just waltz on totally exempt from enduring any hardship whilst the rest of the general public are punished.

Rant over.

No aircraft... and "cyber terrorism"

It really beggars belief... the Royal Navy will get its two new Queen Elizabeth class aircraft carriers - but with no fighter jets!!! What f*cking retard thought that one up? I love it - the coalition Government suddenly starts banging on about "cyber terrorism" simply to take people's attention away from the cuts it's about to inflict on the armed forces.

Rant over.

This weeks X Factor rant

I've been wondering about posting a weekly X Factor rant... and this evening I decided to give it a go. Now don't get me wrong I actually quite enjoy watching the programme. God know's why - but I do! I don't like Louis Walsh, Dannii Minogue, certainly dislike Cheryl Cole and I utterly loathe Simon Cowell - but the programme as a whole is quite watchable.

Two things that occurred to me whilst watching this weekends editions were:

a) The skinny bitch with the skew mouth and the crappy boy band have been pre-selected to win... or at least all the stops have been pulled out to get them to win (to replicate Alexandra Burke and JLS from a couple of years ago).

b) Cheryl Cole (as Simon Cowell's acolyte) had either been ordered to or was deliberately sucking up to him - by dismissing Diva Fever and thus not forcing him to make an embarrassing vote against one of his own acts. Notice how he really didn't like it when quizzed by Dermot O'Leary as to whom he would have picked. Diva Fever's annoyance bubbled out when one of them commented on the poor selection of song... made by Cowell. Mind you I don't suppose SC gives a sh*t.

I was unsurprised that the weird looking Storm Lee bit the dust automatically... but I really don't think he was going to play a part in the master plan.

Rant over.

Get stuffed...

They look perfectly civilised, carefully passing cups and plates around a large table while enjoying afternoon tea.


But these guests are in fact stuffed kittens in an odd piece of artwork which will make up part of a special one-off exhibition.


It is just one piece of a bizarre Victorian collection of stuffed animals which was broken up and sold around the world seven years ago.


The eccentric world of taxidermist Walter Potter, where stuffed animals mimic human life including toads playing leapfrog and rat police raiding a drinking den, was sold for more than £500,000 in 2003. -- Daily Mail

Hmmm... Walter Potter you were one sick f*ck. What I want to know was did these kittens die of natural causes or did the evil b*st*rd murder the little moggies so as he could create his diabolical diorama?

Rant over.

Barnaby's wife...

I actually quite like Midsomer Murders... it has that sort of cosy Agatha Christie type feel. But one bloody thing that gets on my wick - is that during every soddin' story Detective Barnaby's miserable faced wife is somehow involved. eg. she happens to belong to a group where someone ends up murdered or like last weeks episode she just happens to be working at the venue where another murder occurs. She's worse than flamin' Jessica Fletcher... everywhere she goes some poor b*st*rd ends up dead!

Rant over.

The Troll Hunter

CLASS!

I've just been watching the trailer to the greatest film to come out of Norway... Trolljegeren or The Troll Hunter to give it's English title. Apparently it concerns a film crew who stumble upon a poacher who turns out to be working for the Norwegian government and is employed to keep quiet the existence of trolls from the general public. The advanced reviews all say it is BRILLIANT!!

Overkill...

The news story about the drunken barrister who was shot by the police piqued my interest today - particular the following comment...

They highlighted confusion among senior police ranks over who was responsible for 59 firearms officers armed with 109 weapons and said not enough weight was given to the fact Mr Saunders was clearly drunk, depressed and vulnerable.

Let me get this right. One drunk depressed bloke with a shotgun surrounded by 59 firearms officers... and they didn't let his wife speak to him to calm him down a bit. And I bet they were all on overtime as it took 5 hours to decide to shoot him. Must have cost us taxpayers a fortune...

Rant over.

The Lovely Bones

Every so often we hire 3 films on DVD from our local Blockbuster store and watch them over the course of a weekend. Last time one of the films we watched was The Lovely Bones which is the latest from Peter Jackson (The Lord of The Rings, King Kong etc.) and to be honest I was not particularly impressed. The film is set in the early 70's and concerns the brutal murder of a young girl called Susie Salmon by a creepy loner who lives across the road. Susie however is left in a kind of limbo and can see what happens after she has been murdered. The film is rather sentimental and the sequences that grate on me are the scenes in limbo with strangely coloured skies and fantastical landscapes etc. It just feels a bit naff to me. The actress who plays Susie Salmon is okay but when she is narrating it is one of those breathless type voices that annoy me. The killer looks a bit weird too. Looks like a youngish guy dressed up to play someone a lot older plus the film also features the supremely untalented Mark Wahlberg (why does he still get parts?)

I suppose the film is worth a viewing but in my honest opinion I was disappointed.

Rating: 5/10

Colin Montgomerie... HOW OLD???

You are telling me that Colin Montgomerie is 47 years old?... That is ridiculous - he doesn't look a day under 60. Jeezus O'Reilly. Just shows you how you don't need to be remotely fit to play golf - doesn't it?

Rant over.

Who's the tw*t in the background on the lotto programme?

Who's the d*ck with the clipboard on the lotto programme? Are you telling me he is really there to write down the winning numbers when they pop out of the lottery machine?? Surely they can be recorded at a distance... or is it really to give the impression that there is intense security in operation. Also why do they put on fake cheering when each number is called out. "23... HOORAY!!". "16... YEAHHHHH!!!"

Utter b*ll*cks.

Rant over.

You've got to be... so crappo, you've got be sooo crappo!

Blimey... I can't believe a year has passed since I last ranted about that talentless nobody, Sinitta. What the f*ck does this bloody woman do? There she is again on The X Factor with that arrogant pr*ck Cowell and she does absolutely f*ck all... and you can bet your bottom dollar she collects a big fat cheque at the end of it. Really gets my goat!

Rant over.

Michael Gove



The Education Minister Michael Gove... is this bloke for real? What on Earth does he look like? PILLOCK!

Waving your hands under a tap... and nothing happens!



Okay... a pretty bizarre rant - but I've noticed whenever I want to wash my hands at a public toilets and the sink is fitted with a sensor tap - THE F*CKING THING NEVER WORKS! I stand there waving my hands under the tap trying to trigger the sensor. But NO it doesn't work. So I move onto the next sink and the same thing happens. Of course around me other people are successfully washing their hands. Bloody typical.

Rant over.

The Sunday Times... get your blood boiling!

"My Aston wasn't on the firm..."

Yet another article that caught my eye was about Iain Coucher who was the former head of Network Rail, the best paid executive of a publicly funded company, taking home £1.2 million last year including a £348,000 bonus and a £300,000 long term incentive payment. He was also accused of having a company funded Aston Martin sports car... but apparently that came out of his car allowance.

"£300,000 incentive payment"... what the f*ck is that about?

The heads in the trough are unending. The British taxpayer is a MUG!

Rant over.

HSBC boss departs with £23 million package

More from the business section... Michael Geoghegan, the chief executive of HSBC has been pushed out and could leave with a payout of £23 million. Apparently "he has been poorly treated". For f*ck's sake these people truly live on a different planet. We are nothing more than bacteria in their eyes.

Rant over.

Jaffa Cakes and Twiglets to become Chinese?

The business section of The Sunday Times really winds me up at times. United Biscuits are up for sale... they are Britain's biggest biscuit producer (Penguin, Hula Hoops, McVities, Jaffa Cakes, Twiglets etc.) and apparently they are in exclusive talks with a Chinese company. Why the f*ck is it every week companies like this based in the UK (although already foreign owned in this case) are being flogged off. You just know that in a few weeks time they will be announcing closure of their UK operations and 7,000 people for the chop (even though the company is profitable). Okay maybe I'm being pessimistic but it would be so easy for the new owners to do this. Why is there no continuity? Why is it all about making a quick buck?? And f*ck the employees.

Rant over.

Moyles Rants

So the obnoxious Chris Moyles decides to have a rant - live on Radio One because he hasn't been paid for the last two months. Under normal circumstances I would have sympathy for someone who hasn't been paid for work undertaken. But a fat git who is paid £630,000 pa attempting to be funny ain't one of them.

Rant over.

What's that coming over the hill... is it a MONSTER?

BLOODY 'ELL!!! Look at the state of Pete Burns.

D*ckhe*d!

10 brats from 10 different slags...

The Daily Mail website is always a good source for stories that you want to rant about. The latest one concerns the unemployed tw*t on the right who has apparently "fathered" or should I say "bred" 10 different kids from 10 different women - I use the word "women" in its loosest terms. By the time all the kids are 16 years old it will have cost the state £1.5 million. Normally I would say UNBELIEVABLE! But this time it doesn't surprise me at all.

Rant over.

Piers Morgan

So the bloke who has been sacked from every job he has ever had (his words by the way) is to replace Larry King on his show in the US. According to Morgan he is being payed millions to host the daily programme and that most of the population of the world watch it as it on CNN (apparently).

However the Sunday Times interview goes on to say that only about 500,000 people tuned in to watch his 76 year old predecessor. Funny - I thought there were a few more people in the world!

So let me get this right... a tw*t who interviewed Gordon Brown and Katie Price and was a judge on Britain and America's Got Talent and was sacked by publishing a load of lying b*ll*cks about Iraqis being abused when he was at The Daily Mirror is to be paid a fortune presenting a programme hardly anybody watches in the States. Great news. F*ck off Piers and never come back!

Rant over

Deary, deary, deary me...

I've said it before and I'll say it again... there is absolutely nothing going on behind the eyes is there? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The synapses ain't sparking are they. No thought processes. No intelligence. Bereft of any personality. Deary, deary, deary me...

Rant over.

Westwood... PILLOCK!

What is this f*ckwit on? Have you heard him speak? Is he seriously for real?? I like this extract from Wikipedia...

Vocal style and upbringing
Critics have also derided Westwood's apparent emulation of Black British pronunciation and dialect, which is claimed to be at odds with his middle class British origins.[9] In response to this Westwood stated "Honestly, baby, I get love out there, pure and simple".[10] His father, Bill Westwood was the Anglican Bishop of Peterborough until 1996 (and was himself a prolific broadcaster). He also briefly attended Norwich School, which is a prestigious private grammar school.
In interviews Sacha Baron Cohen has stated that Westwood, including his supposed fake Caribbean accent, was an inspiration for his fictional Ali G

So what we are talking about is a 53 year old talentless tw*t from a white middle class background getting paid to do a radio show pretending to be a blackman from the "ghetto" - D*CKHE*D!

Rant over.

What is a non-executive director?

I've been perusing the appointments section in last weeks Sunday Times and I couldn't help but notice the number of "non-executive director" vacancies available. What exactly is a non-executive director? Sounds like someone who does f*ck all to me. For example...

Non-executive director for The Christie cancer centre which is an NHS Foundation Trust... so a job for the state, yes?

The bulk of the advert describes what the organisation is. Then a short paragraph says

"Working with our board, you can help to keep us moving forward. You'll need senior level experience gained in a complex organisation (sounds woolly to me) and the vision and commitment to share responsibility for the entire organisation, including our successful hospital charity, the second largest in the UK."

Now this is the bit that beggars belief. £12,850 pa. for 2.5 days a month!!!!!!

We are told that savage cuts are going to be made across the public sector and these f*cking retards are advertising for some w*nker to spend 2.5 days a month doing f*ck knows what for £12,850 pa. And you bet your life the pr*ck that gets this job will probably have several others of the same ilk.

On the same page is an advert for a similar job at the BBC.

I wonder if I should apply?

Rant over.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

Bloody weird... and 100% original. Loved the snippets of music from The Legend of Zelda. Loved the computer game fighting a la Streetfighter II. Scott Pilgrim fights his girlfriend's 7 evil exes. Simple plot. Wonderful execution. The acting is great especially from Michael Cera in the lead role. I have never seen a film like it. Thoroughly recommend you go and see it!

Rating: 8/10

Weekend in Yorkshire (Part 3)

Sunday morning and we decided to head off to Scarborough for the day. First of all we visited the Sea Life centre which is situated at North Bay. A queue had already begun to develop when we arrived and fortunately a woman standing in the line asked if anyone wanted a 2 for 1 voucher to get in. N quickly took her up on the offer - so it only cost us £14.50 as opposed to £29.00.

The Sea Life centre was actually quite interesting and we managed to time things just right to see their resident brain damaged leather backed turtle being fed.

After Sea Life we took the miniature railway to Peasholm (or some such name) and then an open top bus along the coast road and into the centre of Scarborough. I must say that I preferred Whitby to Scarborough as it was marginally less chavvy. N and I walked along the sea front and bought some chips for lunch. Our visit was scuppered a bit because the weather was crap. One minute it was sunny, the next it was overcast and p*ssing down with rain, then finally blowing a gale. We eventually relented and caught the bus and train back to the car.

Dinner that evening was at an excellent restaurant called the Malyan Spout which was at Goatlandherd. Totally recommend this establishment so if your ever up this way give it a try. The worst bit was driving back as it was pitch black and you were on the constant lookout for rogue killer were-sheep straying onto the road.

Unfortunately morning came too quickly and it was almost time to start our journey home... but we did have time to pay a visit to Robin Hood's bay which was a few miles north of the inn. A very nice lady gave us her parking ticket so we didn't have to pay and we headed off for a stroll down the very steep hill through the picturesque village and down to the sea. Of course there was the obligatory prats who had to drive down the very narrow road (which they weren't supposed to) and get stuck facing another prat coming the other way.

All too quickly it was time to return home... so we programmed in the sat nav and headed off.

End of another fabulous weekend!

Ben Collins is The Stig... WOW!

Ben Collins... (never heard of him) - is The Stig. Really who gives a shit? Also why would anyone be interested in the autobiography of someone no one has ever heard of? Plus why was BBC money wasted to fight a pointless case in the High Court?

Rant over.

Weekend in Yorkshire (Part 2)

There is no place to park in Whitby... that is the conclusion we came to when we arrived there on Saturday afternoon. Actually that isn't true - we simply had to leave the car half way up a hill just out of the town centre.

We took a stroll along the narrow cobbled streets taking in the ambiance of this quaint northern town... and the retarded looking inhabitants/visitors. "Hey up... fancy a brew at the tuther end of town" or some such northern gibberish.

Climbing the 199 steps up to the Abbey was a bit of a slog - but at least we were rewarded with a cream tea at the YHA run teashop at the top. I tried to convince N that Dracula actually existed and came to Whitby - but to no avail... she didn't believe me! After some more exploration of the town including a walk around the harbour we decided to make our way back to The Falcon Inn for dinner.

To be continued...

Whitby Abbey

Home of... COUNT DRACULA!!!

Weekend in Yorkshire (Part 1)

I swear our bloody sat nav has a mind of it's own... Being a lazy sod I've practically given up looking at maps and now end up relying on this irritating device stuck to the inside of the car windscreen. Anyway our latest weekend away (and last one for the school summer holidays) was up in Yorkshire between Scarborough and Whitby. The route we took involved crossing The Humber Bridge - which I have never done before (or seen) and I admit I was impressed (even though it cost £2.70 for the toll). Okay it ain't as impressive as The Golden Gate Bridge but it is a damn sight better than that concrete monstrosity that takes the M25 across The Thames.

It took us about 4 hours or so to get to The Falcon Inn (www.the-falconinn.co.uk) where we were staying... so it was a quick drop off of our luggage and then back in the car to take a look at Whitby via the restaurant we would be dining at on Sunday evening.

To be continued...

Asil Nadir and Polly Peck

Who the f*ck in their right mind would call a company Polly Peck?... what's all that about?? I wonder if this crook named it after his pet parrot??? Prick.

Rant over.